Day 86
Day 85:
Last night awful. Watched “Saving Mr. Banks” and afterwards felt how committed she was to the divorce. She told me: “Got out and become a man, and then come back to us”
Watching her disappear under the flood-tide waters of Christian culturalism. She spends hours buying designer bibles…
My healing seems very much on track. I just don’t look at women the same way anymore. Like enjoying flowers without feeling the urge to pluck them.
Meeting with Shrink (Dr. M): He didn’t fall asleep today, but giant, loud yawning all the way through. Christ, what a waste. No introspection, no questions about inner motives, just “how was the last week?”
Gave me Dr. Chapman’s 5 love languages of apology. Feel I’m doing the best I can with them:
Express regret: I am truly sorry I hurt you; that I chose my actions.
Accepting responsibility: I’ve done this, no holds barred. It was my action, my choice.
Making restitution: What can I do to make this right? She can’t answer, I have no ideas. Tried applying to GS jobs, jobs I’d hate and that won’t fulfill me; probably won’t get them, and even if I did I don’t think that’s what she needs.
Genuinely repenting: I am on a different course, I am committed to never repeating this offence.
Requesting forgiveness: I’ve been doing this for a couple weeks now (earlier seemed premature and crass). She says she “gives” it, but we both know she hasn’t and can’t.
Dear S,
We’re both scared to death of each other, circling warily and watching for signs of attack. I sense from you, and know for myself that the desire to be close is ever-present, however, and that we have a core of love and friendship that wants to be freed from this awful double-bind.
I want to tread carefully here, I know how you believe I batter and cajole and bully to get “my way,” and it makes me wince to hear it. But I want to rescue our marriage; if I’m guilty of making a compelling argument in favor of it, then please understand that’s different than seeking self-gratification…
I propose the following:
Staying married, even a mere resurrection of our old marriage would be best for the kids, I'm quite sure, and best for ourselves. The pain and trauma and waste of a divorce is immense.
But we don’t merely need to resurrect our old marriage; we have the materials for a truly wonderful, honorable and sweet marriage.
I beg you to rescind the divorce papers and let’s spend this next year trying to be good to each other and our children; living the life we desire. Let’s both take a leap of faith. Love is a choice, and I choose to love you with all my heart.
If, after a year has elapsed, and you are convinced I will betray you again, you can always file for divorce again. Or even, if it made you feel more secure, simply delay the court date for 11 months and keep the divorce ready at hand. Please, give us some time: time to let the dust settle, time to reconnect, time to rekindle a God-given love, time to establish new patterns of devotion and honor.
You said we were more important than whatever had happened, and I believed you.
You now indicate a firm resolve to divorce, since I am neither remorseful nor repentant; that I am a hopeless narcissist and/or an addict beyond repair. But if I were indeed so awful, would I be fighting and trying so hard to reconstruct myself? A true narcissist would have callously left at the first squall, ignorant to the pain he caused his wife and children. I’m intensely aware and ashamed of it, and desperately want to change my ways and make amends. I’m well on that road already.
Please, give us a chance.
Last night awful. Watched “Saving Mr. Banks” and afterwards felt how committed she was to the divorce. She told me: “Got out and become a man, and then come back to us”
Watching her disappear under the flood-tide waters of Christian culturalism. She spends hours buying designer bibles…
My healing seems very much on track. I just don’t look at women the same way anymore. Like enjoying flowers without feeling the urge to pluck them.
Meeting with Shrink (Dr. M): He didn’t fall asleep today, but giant, loud yawning all the way through. Christ, what a waste. No introspection, no questions about inner motives, just “how was the last week?”
Gave me Dr. Chapman’s 5 love languages of apology. Feel I’m doing the best I can with them:
Express regret: I am truly sorry I hurt you; that I chose my actions.
Accepting responsibility: I’ve done this, no holds barred. It was my action, my choice.
Making restitution: What can I do to make this right? She can’t answer, I have no ideas. Tried applying to GS jobs, jobs I’d hate and that won’t fulfill me; probably won’t get them, and even if I did I don’t think that’s what she needs.
Genuinely repenting: I am on a different course, I am committed to never repeating this offence.
Requesting forgiveness: I’ve been doing this for a couple weeks now (earlier seemed premature and crass). She says she “gives” it, but we both know she hasn’t and can’t.
Dear S,
We’re both scared to death of each other, circling warily and watching for signs of attack. I sense from you, and know for myself that the desire to be close is ever-present, however, and that we have a core of love and friendship that wants to be freed from this awful double-bind.
I want to tread carefully here, I know how you believe I batter and cajole and bully to get “my way,” and it makes me wince to hear it. But I want to rescue our marriage; if I’m guilty of making a compelling argument in favor of it, then please understand that’s different than seeking self-gratification…
I propose the following:
Staying married, even a mere resurrection of our old marriage would be best for the kids, I'm quite sure, and best for ourselves. The pain and trauma and waste of a divorce is immense.
But we don’t merely need to resurrect our old marriage; we have the materials for a truly wonderful, honorable and sweet marriage.
I beg you to rescind the divorce papers and let’s spend this next year trying to be good to each other and our children; living the life we desire. Let’s both take a leap of faith. Love is a choice, and I choose to love you with all my heart.
If, after a year has elapsed, and you are convinced I will betray you again, you can always file for divorce again. Or even, if it made you feel more secure, simply delay the court date for 11 months and keep the divorce ready at hand. Please, give us some time: time to let the dust settle, time to reconnect, time to rekindle a God-given love, time to establish new patterns of devotion and honor.
You said we were more important than whatever had happened, and I believed you.
You now indicate a firm resolve to divorce, since I am neither remorseful nor repentant; that I am a hopeless narcissist and/or an addict beyond repair. But if I were indeed so awful, would I be fighting and trying so hard to reconstruct myself? A true narcissist would have callously left at the first squall, ignorant to the pain he caused his wife and children. I’m intensely aware and ashamed of it, and desperately want to change my ways and make amends. I’m well on that road already.
Please, give us a chance.
Replies