12/08/07     My first journal entry. They say these things helps you get things off your mind. Well now the time is 11:53am. I have to be at work at 5:30pm I have time but I dont have a ride...Im at a friends house and about 45-50mins away from my job at the moment. If Im late one more time or miss another day, Im fired! I cant afford that...Im in debt enough with my bank. Having troubles with my relationship, have no clue whats going on there. Times when we dont have any conversation, times where my partner is pissed because I try to discuss my problems and then my partner says its not like I dont have problems...My reply was of course you do..everyone has their own problems and we all deal in different ways. But obviously thats not good enough for this relationship. I dont want it to end but if it must Id rather it now while the pain wont be so sharp and the cut not so deep. Im afraid of losing this person. My heart has been broken numerous times and dont want another.      I feel dead on the inside most of the time, and sometimes I think why not physically? Its whats on the inside that counts most..right? I dont have that many people in my life at the moment. My family stays away as much as possible, alot of my "old friends" have become distant, and Im not wanted where I live now. The people that are in my life, such as my partner, I just feel doesnt care to a certain extent. My friend Becky and her family say they cant help anymore because for the rest I have to rely on God....they dont understand how hard that is. After all the things i went through since the begining of my life..i question God these days. I believe there is a higher power but I have to go with my friend Syn on this one. I dont believe in todays societies God. I just feel lost and unwanted. Like Im no better than the trash in a dumpster. I want to get help, but help is way too expensive! Not to mention all "help" is these days is a person in front of you i someone who has a pen and paper and asks "Oh, how do you feel about that?" You cant always describe the pain...no matter what they say it doesnt take away the pain i feel inside...When theres no pain theres numbness...with certain things that go on..I think this has got to be a dream, I never saw my life turning out like this.      To tell from dream and reality or to make sure I am alive right? I cut the skin and then I see I bleed like everyone else does and then I realize I am human. Its also a pain that i can control better...if i want it to stop i can make it stop. I can stop the knife (etc.) but the situations i get in that cause me pain im always stuck in..I never get out. If that makes since at all. I try not to cut and havent for a while. Now I sleep alot! The results of that is loss of weight.  Today is Sat. my current weight is 129 on wed. I weighed about 145. Theres moments when i feel like theres a cancer or something eatting away at me. I have no clue why i think that but I do.       No one understands me. As I have stated before, my partner, and also my boss at work. See I live with my GM (General Manager) and he doesnt care about what Im going through either. Neither of them understand that this issue is gonna cause problems with my relationship and work and it does for me. All I want to do is sleep, therefore feel like i dont even exist for a moment. Now I take painkillers to just knock me out and forget the world. They say you cant run away from your problems and thats not my intentions...its just so i can have atleast a moment without constant reminder. But sleep and not wanting to move or do anything, is gonna cost me my job...I also have a problem with one of the managers there. She told me to go kill myself, on a professional level she should not have ever said that while at work. Other drama is there too but not worth mentioning.       What else is there to say? It just feels like when I try to do something right it always ends up wrong. Makes me think Im a mistake. Mehh...Ive read that there is a difference between living and existing...and I totally believe that, theres also the feeling of being a waste of space. Now how to leave off...I could go on and on trust me! But I feel like I should save some for other journal entries...so until then,                                                      XxHeartlessxX