I leave tomorrow for Thanksgiving vacation.  I will meet with my children and fly to Portland to meet with my relatives.  Thanksgiving has always been a big family event and this year for the second year my wife won't be there.  I can look back on how I felt a year ago and see the difference.  I am not broken like I was then.  I still hurt but that hurt is not so specific.  It is a general kind of pain.  I can almost see a place when my life will not be as sad as it is these days.  Last weekend I went to the movies with a friend and my wife was there with her second boyfriend since we split.  I am glad that I don't have a girlfriend at this time.  I have been, and am still determined to do this divorce with eyes open and no attempts to dull the pain of the experience.  I know that right now I can't be fully in love with anyone else.  My heart is not free to give right now and anything less than that is not what I am looking for.   There are problems being 50+.  My hair is gray; I don't move as well as I used to, etc. but there are compensations also and one of those is knowing that what I do counts and that I won't accept shortcuts to my happiness.  If my road is headed through pain in order to grow, then so be it.  I can handle my feelings today.  I want to process my life and live it fully.  I spent too much time when I was young in denial, avoiding dealing with reality.  Life is not so great right now, but it is endurable.  I will be spending four days with my children.  They are choosing to be with me this holiday; what more could I ask for, or what is more important than that? This is the only life that I have been given and the choices that I have to make, the ones that matter, all relate to how I am going to act in response to what happens to me.  I will do what I do every single day since my wife left;  I will pray to God to give me the strength and willingness and knowledge I need to deal with what is right in front of me.