It has been seven months since I wrote here and a lot has happened and a lot hasn't happened. I am moving closer to divorce. We have a court date in January. The house is up for sale and has not received any offers. That is our shared asset. My stbx is not with the man who she was with when she left me. He went to jail, then got out. She wound up filing a restraining order against him. She is with a new man now, another former heroin addict who has been clean for six months. I notice that I am still talking about her. I pray daily to let her go in my heart. I am lonely and don't think I would take her back if she begged but I don't trust myself. I know that I can't move on until I get over her and I am working on that. My job is very rewarding and yet it is hard. My kids are off in their first year of college and I miss having them here. I don't like where my life is right now. I am willing to go through it but it is not easy for me. I struggle with it. I work, see my friends, pray and do what I need to do but I don't feel joy much. Maybe it will help to write about it.
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I do think it helps to write about it, so good for you in sharing. I am sure finalizing the divorce and selling the house will be big hurdles that do help you move on. In the meanwhile, might I suggest reading \"Language of Letting Go\" by Melodie Beattie. Even if you are not technically co-dependent or breaking off with an addict, it is extremely helpful. Also, I have learned that three huge keys to happiness for me are gratitude, forgiveness, and being of service to others in a purposeful way, along with almost selfishly pursuing interests that bring me moments of joy like hiking and birding, and walking on the beach. I\'m not alone in this, either. It has actually been scientifically studied. Keep praying, too. I know that God is in you and has a brighter future waiting when you work through this difficult time.
I have been where you are at, in the trusting of oneself if that event happened. I wished that so much at the beginning of the seperation for her to come back, but as time went on and she got more involved with her boyfriend, I was barely a blep on her radar to where I am nothing to her anymore. It took a long time to get to a point where I feel nothing for her anymore, yet I am worried if she ever had a change of heart, which I assure myself that will never happen, yet time and time again I hear stories that they do try. Now its where I pray that she doesn\'t do that for I hurt enough over this woman and I don\'t want to hurt anymore from her. My life has been getting on track fairly well. We are waiting for our house to be sold as well.
For those of us who loved our spouse and have had to stop, had to hurt the most. I don\'t think I will ever understand how the one that said they would be with you forever and ever was ever capable of inflicting so much pain and was ok with it. You have come a long way and you will continue to go a long way. Keep your faith and peace and happiness will find its way.
I just wanted to tell you that your recommendation of \"Codependent No More\' changed my life. Then I am reading \"Language of Letting Go\" like pianogirl said, I just came back from a retreat called \"Beginning Experience\". It was awesome and amazing! I wondered how it was going with your kids away from home. It\'s tough isn\'t it? I didn\'t think I\'d survive when my kids moved last Christmas but you really helped me through it. Thanks for your friendship.
Wow, it is such a long, long journey to find that peace. I am at the same place. Still hoping for he peace of the divorce. I am glad you are still around.