Another Sunday comes and life is good. Actually good. That is amazing considering how poor I felt just a month or so ago. I have the day to myself and don't mind that. My kids are asleep and will stay that way for hours I would guess since they are teenagers. There is no pain in my heart at all. I can just breathe and live. It is raining outside and I can think of things like reading a book and it doesn't have to be a 'getting over divorce' book. There are a couple of movies that I haven't watched and I can watch them as well. And of course there is the American holiday that is the Super Bowl. I realized that I don't have to consider my wife in the back of my mind at all times like I used to. Let me explain. I cared if she was annoyed. That didn't mean that I wouldn't do what annoyed her, necessarily, but I was always aware of it. Now there is less stress and worry. There is no conflict in this house now. The kids and I exist peacefully. I guess I am seeing what kind of life I want to have. I don't think I can ever go back to the kind of turmoil that is created by two people that no longer like each other. My part was that I let it go on without demanding that we attempt to deal with it. I just went along. God willing, when I get in another relationship I will be brave enough to be willing to address my feelings as they happen rather than postpone dealing with them out of fear of abandonment. After all, I was abandoned anyway and I have survived. I think fear has run a lot of my life. And being afraid and trying to be careful above all doesn't work anyway. A little risk and truthtelling is all good or at least healthier.My wife sent me a text message this week that said how sorry she was for all the pain she had caused and for her lying and that she is grateful that I am such a good man. I didn't respond to her. I have no response to that. She is sorry that she cheated..okay. She is sorry that she lied about it...okay. She is sorry that she blamed it all on me...okay. She is not my responsibility anymore. I am working my way towards indifference. I am not quite as serene as I am claiming to be but I am not in turmoil. That is a worthy replacement. There is a woman that I am becoming friends with and she is bringing me a lot of enjoyment. I have no idea what is up with that or what could even happen there, but at the moment I am not going to worry. I am not doing anything to ruin my chances for recovery from my pain or to impact my children's life. They still need me to be rock solid, which, thank goodness I am able to be today.
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Wow, very positive and inspiring entry, TSand. Gives a whole new meaning to \"Super Sunday!\" Sound slike your day will be good, for all the right reasons.
I\'m so happy for you coming a long way. I don\'t care much for football but my kids do so there will be festivities around here later. I\'ll just get myself a beer, some chicken wings and camp out in my bedroom. Someone gave my son a bootleg copy of the \'Bucket List\' so plan on watching it later. He saw it already and said it was pretty good-I guess these college kids know their stuff. I\'m glad you have a women friend in your life. I have a few men friends in my life but just want to have fun and not be lonely. My puppy is my life right now and he is the only one I trust - he can\'t lie or divorce me! My kids and dog are my responsibility and so far so good. They make me proud and are growing up as good adults. I\'m glad I never say a thing about their father - they are not stupid and see things for themselves. Have a super day...
You continue to inspire me. I am hoping to reach the happier place you are at right now myself someday.
What great thoughts and woohoo on the woman friend too. Just take things as they come and don\'t rush anything. It will only bite you in the ass if you don\'t and believe me, that HURTS and SUCKS!
Boy you can write! I love to read your thoughts. I identify with so much of your journal today. I wonder how many of us there are out here that felt that \"walking on eggshells\" feeling and were unable to stop it - for whatever reasons. I also want the same things - to be able to assert myself with kindness and respect, but communicate my feelings nonetheless without apologizing for them. I still have those lingering feelings of fear of being left, but you are so right - it has happened and I have survived it, so I will need to ponder that one. ;) God sends people into our lives for a reason, and if you\'ve found someone that has helped you heal and rediscover the true you...well.....it\'s all good. :)
I am glad to see your are healing so nicely. You are such a good man, I do agree with your ex there. I admire how you have put your children first in your life. It is nice that you have found a friend, and that you are not rushing things, but the companionship is nice.
Great Tsand! It\'s good to have peace of mind and not annoyed by the little things that cramps your style. Your stbx is doing a great job by speaking what\'s in her heart. Apologizing is good and forgivenss is as well. You are doing a great job with your children. Hang in there TSand and be strong!
Love your journal entries! I glad to see someone here is healing. It gives us all hope that we\'ll eventually find the \"happy\" place again. Sometimes it\'s just a long, slow process. Or so it seems.
Well, Mr. T you are making great progress in your recovery and I\'m so happy for you. I even sense more peace than usual in your writing... So cheers!!! I spent most of my 20 year marriage tiptoeing around my husband making sure I was always doing the right thing in his regard, I totally lost track of who I was and what I wanted in life. Love can make you do crazy things. In the end it did not matter at all... he wanted something else. Go figure... I\'m glad you used the word indifference in your journal. I\'ve been struggling with the notion of forgiveness (I\'m a Christian) but decided right before Christmas to make a long stop at the indifference stage. A friend of mine in New York told me that indifference, rather than forgiveness, should be my goal anyway. So see you there. As for another relationship... baby steps. You need to heal yourself before giving yourself to another human being. Somebody just told me that you don\'t give just a piece of yourself or your love. It\'s all or nothing. In order to give it all you have to be whole first. Take care. E.