It has been a while since I wrote here. That might be a good sign. I am not tortured or upset on the level I was. Thinking back a clear lesson to me is that waiting, although hard, produces change. I couldn't force my feelings to change and when it hurt so badly to just live, I wanted more than anything else to have those feelings morph into something less painful. Well, I am there now. I don't hurt on the same level at all. I find myself laughing and not thinking only of my divorce situation. That being said, I still haven't found the willingness or courage or whatever, to actually call the lawyer and file the papers to start my divorce. There is a lot going on in the back of my head here. My wife has not moved one inch in her desire to stay with her new boyfriend. She has not really changed her behaviors in getting back with her children. I am changing and don't think I would want to go back with my wife for lots of reasons. That dream in my head of who she was still exists though. I know that if confronted with who she actually is, I wouldn't want to deal with her. For example, last week when we were at the mediators, we were sitting in the waiting area. She was checking messages on her phone, something she does all the time. That phone bugs me so much. She seems obsessed with it. If I had to watch her talking on it all the time, or texting all the time, or checking it all the time...BOOM! I guess I am waiting for my heart to catch up to my head. I guess I was talking about that at the beginning of this journal. The change has already happened. It is just my emotional self that hasn't got the full impact yet. I just need to wait. One last area that seems different to me is that I am feeling frisky. I don't mean sexually, although I do so miss the touch of soft skin and the feel of someone touching me, I mean I am able to look at women again and not think of them in terms of my stbx. It is not time. I will try to wait until my divorce is final, at least six months from when I do file, to start another relationship, but damn, I miss that after two decades of a committed relationship. This is something that can't be fixed except by loving myself and I don't mean it in the way that you are thinking- shame on you! On that happy thought...
Replies
LOL!!! Confession time for me - after my heart stopped aching so much I couldn\'t breathe, of course - I was like a dog in heat for awhile!! :) Is that \"too much information\"???? I think there\'s something about divorce that amplifies our desire for physical contact/connection....or maybe it\'s just e. You are SO SMART to wait. I admire your comfort with who you are and where you are. When you ARE ready, some very lucky woman will be there waiting for you. I know it ;)
You sound so good today, so clear. So human.
TS, It is good to see you reflecting so calmly. Your thoughts are clear--you know what you want. I would say this is progress. Keep moving forward toward YOUR goals. You will know the right thing to do when the time comes.
Great Journal entry! I agree with the others, you sound so clear on where you have been, where you are and where you need to go.
I understand how difficult it is to be patient enough to allow your heart time to catch up with your head. I can identify with that so much. It seems like that might be a significant theme of your journaling today - it stood out to me that way at least.
That is a sign of growth. You are handling things a lot better than the average. I love your attitude.
No, my thoughts were not in the gutter!!! I\'m a saint, I never think about those things. I tell you, I hate phones too and when I see a blackberry i get an allergic reaction. So, I understand the \"boom\" deal... Personally, I have realized a long time ago that the man I love (or loved) is no longer. He is a different person and I couldn\'t be with that. Now like you I have a long road ahaed of me, although I think you\'re farther ahead in the healing process. Thanks for sharing your thoughts :)
I agree with everyone except the above comment about thoughts in the gutter. Well, mine are - I\'m only human! Thank you for your inspiration. I want to heal, too...
ahh I remember the first time I too felt frisky post- relationship-crash-and-burn! I was working in my office, and this guy was putting in a new security system, and I turned and saw this really nice athletic-looking butt in a pair of Levi\'s, and it was like a light bulb went off! I ENJOYED seeing that butt! It was a relief to me to say, hey, I am still alive and kicking. Like Jimmy Buffett says, \"yesterday\'s over my shoulder, so I can\'t look back for too long. There\'s just too much to see waiting for me..\"
Enjoy your healing. And frisky is good.
Thanks for giving me hope that there is still life out there. Right now, I just move like a robot and do what I have to do. God Bless!