Yesterday was challenging. My family had a non binding mediation on custody. I talked with the mediatior, my wife talked with the mediator then one kid and the other did the same. Them my wife and I went and talked with him. I guess I was a bit at odds with what the two of them said. I did listen however to the best of my ability. My wife is estranged from my kids. They are not talking to her at the moment. She thinks it is because I poisoned them to her. They are seventeen. The mediator also felt that them hearing me talk about things that she had done forces them to choose between my wife and I and that they have chosen me. I am still hurt that my wife cheated on me. I am hurt that we were in therapy and she started seeing her bf again. I am hurt and angry that she lied to me about selling her car. I don't believe her when she talks about these things. My daughter doesn't believe my wife when she talks about these things. The mediator seems to come from a place that my wife is honest and that there is no truth to either side. I do think that my kids need to have a relationship with their mother. I don't want to stop them from that. I do think that they are capable of making up their own minds about the truth of what she did or does or says. I guess I want from my wife what she won't give; that is, an honest admission of the wrongs that she did to me and our family. She says things like, " I am not proud of the things I did" but it never feels complete, sincere or honest. There are always reasons given why it was what she had to do. My daughter told me that my wife had never apologized to her for her lies. My wife denies this. She couldn't hear that was how my daughter felt. This meeting put me right back into those feelings that I had when we were splitting. I don't want to go back there. I don't want her in my life. We are toxic to each other. She can stay with her bf. The kids can choose to do whatever they want to do. I am not responsible for what they feel about her. I want to get divorced. That is amazing that I feel that way, but I do. She has to clean up her own mess. If she had not cheated and just divorced they would be with her now. It is not me that made this situation. Awww, crap. What a mess.
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I\'m sorry about mediation. Sounds like it just stirred up all those emotions again. I hate half assed apologies, and that\'s what she sounds like she\'s giving.
The kids are old enough to know where they should be, to know right from worng and to be angry with their mother for the things she\'s done.
All you can do is be there for your kids right now. The clarity for yourself about what\'s going on with your wife will come in time. Big hugs to you today. I hope your weekend goes better.
TSand - I\'m so sorry for what you and your kids are going through. You kids will make the choice that they feel comfortable with right now. That doesn\'t mean it won\'t or can\'t change in the future. But your \"wife\" is going to have to earn back their trust. If she\'s any type of a mother she will work her ass off to do that. In your journal it sounds as if they are your kids and not hers? We are all here for you - Take care my friend. Cheryl
Well, you just described how I feel about my stbx\'s drinking. He says sorry, but it just doesn\'t sound sincere. And he has no intention of coming back.
I understand what your are feeling. My ex tried to say things to make me look like I was the one cheated. I never did. She is 22 now and it took her a long time to come around and talk to me. So I agree with you when you said that they have their own minds. They can think for themselves. They know the truth. My advice is to never talk their mother down to them. Establish a good relationship with your children and they will know the difference. My daughter and I after 2 years have established a great relationship.
You are justified in your feelings. Mediators come from a position that there is no one at fault. That\'s a bunch of crap. Stick to your guns and let the mediator know--you didn\'t do this to your family--she did. You feel that your children are smart and old enough to make their own decisions, you trust their judgement.