Frist journal of the new year. The last year was very difficult but I have hope that the coming year will be full of change and growth. When I look back on my nineteen years of marriage I see that there were problems that didn't just revolve around me. That is, my wife was unhappy. I couldn't have fixed that. She didn't like her life. Yes, I wasn't as attentive as I could have been. Yes, I have a very strong personality. Yes, I express my opinions with certainty, convinced that I am right. However, I was always willing to listen to her. When we communicated she couldn't tell me in a way that let me know the truth about how she was feeling. Instead of trying harder, she started lying and cheating. She is not proud of what she did. She knows that she prompted the end of our marriage, but to be honest, how could it have worked out? We don't match each other anymore. I need to be with someone who likes me for the way I am. I need to be with someone who revels in my strengths rather than cringes from them. My job in the upcoming year is to get to know myself better and to like myself. I have to be okay with me. If the cell phone doesn't ring for a day that needs to be okay. The truly important things are taken care of. I have my health. I love my job and most importantly, I am a good father to my children. They know that I am there for them and that they can count on me. My steadfast, honorable nature is a great strength as a father. I am also grateful that I can use the tools that are available to me. I want to grow and change. I want to pray daily and get closer to God. I want to read books that help me go through this. I want to see my therapist and give and take support here on DS. The willingness to accept change is something that I have gratitude for. Lastly, I would love to see myself work towards forgiveness for my stbx. She must be suffering tremendously. She has traded a complete life for one that is not so good. She does have autonomy but to do what? She is estranged from her children and no matter how hard she says that she is happy; I don't see how she could be if they are not happy with her. I will pray for the willingness to find forgiveness for her and the hurt she did to me and my kids. I have a year to work on that, because I am sure not ready to forgive right now. Now is a time of focus and determination to get divorced as it is the thing that will take care of me and my kids.
Replies
I loved reading your journal. You wrote all the things I have been thinking of and want to do. We are good people and don\'t deserve the bullshit. New year, new beginnings...Maria
Gosh, you sound good, strong, focused and determined. Chin up and stand tall into the new year, and just do your best with the snags as they come. Way to go!
Your journal was very inspirational to me. I want to be in the \"place\" where you are. They say it will come in time but time is not arriving fast enough for me. My children are also mad at their father for what he has done and they are 14 & 17 so they know what actually is going on. I have been praying for the strength and courage to get through this. Although the pain isn\'t lifting yet I am sure that God will help soon. Keep the faith.
I can always count on your level head to make thought on divorce so clear. You said it all. I agree with your thoughts whole heartedly. Loving yourself and forgivness that true healing. Some how I know you will find the tools that will get you there. Your determination is clearly evident.
This is such a great journal. You are able to step back and see things with clarity. That is what is needed. I just really admire you and your strengths. You are a good man and I am happy you realize that.
Forgiveness will release all those past hurts and gives you the ability to move forward into a better future. It does take time. I am wishing you the best.
this is a great journal. thank you for having the courage to share. it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. good luck to you.
I see myself trying to approach my situation with the same honorable resolve that you have and I wanted to let you know that I admire your heart on this one. I too see my wife as hurting, confused, and on a path that is as much self-destructive and it is selfish. We have grown apart so much but there is still so much that ties us together. It is overwhelming to let go and still care at the same time. I appreciate you openness and will keep you in prayer. Stay the course and God will reveal even more of who you are as a man and a father. God bless!!
I hope I can get to the level you are soon. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and strength. E.