Two days after Christmas.  I am looking forward to January 2nd.  This last week was tough and interesting.  My seventeen year old twins spent Christmas morning with me and then went to my wife's for the afternoon.  I watched The Wire on video when they were gone, great show.   When they came home she had loaded them down with gifts.  She took them out for food again.  So strange that I am the househusband now. I cook, clean, do the laundry, shop and pay the bills.  My wife can't seem to function in that way.  My son said, "She doesn't even know me!"  I said, "Of course she does."  He said, "She hasn't seen me in two months."  What I think he was referring to is that she is not able to see anyone but herself at this time.  My daughter didn't want to talk at all; she just gave me a huge hug.  Selfishly I am gratified that they love me, need me and that I can be there for them.  My therapist described this time as very "rich".  I of course, didn't see that at first.  It feels like hell, not rich, but I am starting to be able to see other sides to it. For example, I am finding out what kind of man I really am.  With no wife here to judge me, or ask from me, I can give and do what I feel is right.  I can recognize my qualites without judgement.  So, I am watching myself not only talk the talk, but walk the walk with my children.  That builds my self esteem.  I  can watch myself have the courage to go through my emotions rather than jumping into another relationship.  I am in pain, yes, but I am willing to do what a real man would do, hang in there, feel it and allow the pain to wash over me and through me.  I can also start to feel relief.  I have been going through this since August and I am not where I was.  I had emailed my wife the day after Thanksgiving.  The email went like this:"Yesterday was Thanksgiving and it was difficult for me as I would guess (but don't know) it was for you.  I am trying my hardest to feel my feelings and to stay where I am.  That place is full of emotions, most of them sad.  I am doing this because I want to face reality and because it is the only way that I can be healthy.    I would guess that you are doing the same.  I know that you have not tried to hurt me but instead have tried to do the best you could do.  You have always been like this.  Always. I admire this quality about you.  You try so hard to be a good person.  You had a horrible childhood, truly horrible.  Despite that you raised two fantastic children and kept my love and attention for over twenty years.  Yes, after everything I still love you.    I would guess that at times my love was too much.  It was so over the top, stifling.  I can be over the top and stifling in many ways.  I talk more than I listen.  I know this about myself.  I wish I had been different because losing you is something that I will always regret.  I am trying to get to a place where I can be grateful for what I had with you.    I hope, that for our children we can get to a  place where we can talk.  Right now it is so hard on them.  They feel torn between us.  They are torn around us and with us.  My sadness is like a gloom hanging over everything here.  I am not asking anything from you.  I know that you are trying your hardest to be a good person and to grow and take care of yourself.    You are much stronger and more capable than you may realize.  You can make it through this as can I.  We are both survivors.  If I close my eyes I can see you the way I saw you that first day in class.  I can see you the way I saw you the day you delivered our children.  I can see you the way I saw you playing softball or basketball.  I can see you on the phone with a sponsee, helping them to make it through the tough time, or even standing up to me.  You have changed so much.  I am trying to change as well, for me and that is my challenge at the moment.    I am trying to connect the reality to the way I choose to look at things.  It is hard for me.  I am a man.  I just want you to know that I have loved you with all my heart for years.  I still love you.  I will continue to love you in one form or another for the rest of my time on this earth.  If at some point you need me, call me and I will try to answer you in whatever way I can.  I hope this is not too much like I have done before.  This message is for me as much as for you.  Take care of yourself, dear one."It took her a month to reply, here is her response,"Thank you for your email. I have not had the focus or the energy to check my emails since you wrote...I truly appreciate your sincere words. At some point my life becomes so hard and I get so confused that I wonder which way to turn. I feel so alone so much of the time and to know that there is one person who has stood with me through twenty years of my life is some consolation. I wish I could call on you to help me through this time and find some way to some place of normalcy. As Thea says, even this weirdness may someday seem like normal. I don't know.I do know that this time apart has helped me see your incredibly positive qualities that I have been unable to see over the past year. I don't know if I just gave up on them, or if other parts invaded and blocked them out. But they are truly important and fantastic. Your sureness, your steadiness, your (for the most part) even temperedness. Thank you for your kindness. your continued kindness."The emails are what they are.  I know that if I had emailed her today, what I said would be different.  I am changing.  Her response shows me clearly about where she is.  She is overwhelmed and confused.  What is significant is that I haven't called her or responded to her email although every part of me wants to.  I want to try and help her.  That has been the pattern of our relationship and it was unhealthy for me in that my own needs were lost.  It was unhealthy for her becuase she needs to be responsible for herself.  I need to be who I truly am.  I am strong willed, committed, hard working, opinionated, loving, brave, devoted and somewhat sick.  We are legally seperated. I see divorce in our future.  We don't match up together anymore.  We have changed in ways that mean that we can't be happy together and I want to be happy.  I am willing to wait until I am ready to end the marriage or she files for divorce.  I am a romantic and believe that the words that I said on our wedding day stand for what I meant them to mean.  However, I don't think I have to allow myself to be punished for being myself, or fight over the two of us being who we are.  I know this is long and a bit rambling.  I know that there is hope and growth in going through the process of divorce.  I hope that all of us can give and recieve the support that we need from the people here.  Have a peaceful New Year.