Five thirty A.M. I wake up and shuffle to the bathroom, to, well, you know. The cat that no one in the family likes, pees in the corner on the rug. Another start to another day. Now that I have my coffee I wanted to write another journal entry. The pain in my life has lessened. I was in so much pain, one, two, three, four months ago. Now I am sad; I hurt, but it is liveable. What has allowed this change to happen? I am proud of myself for being willing to go through this divorce stuff, rather than trying to go around it. I am feeling the feelings each day. I am doing everything that is suggested. That is a good feeling.I am not healed though. Last night I was talking to an old friend of my stbx's. The friend had called her to tell her how worried she was about her. She felt like she had to tell my stbx that the things that she is doing scare her. My stbx is in a scary place, more or less without guidance. I know that is none of my business, however, it feels like it still is my business. I don't know how to let her go. I mean to let her do what she needs to do without wanting to help her, or to fix her. My fixing nature is not altruistic. There is something about my desire to fix others that keeps me from dealing with myself. I want freedom in my life. I want to be more than just okay; I want to be self contained and content if not happy. I am willing to wait. Learning to let go of my marriage is something that I need to do, although I still hang on to this illusion that things can be fixed because I have the ability to force life to follow my plans. It sounds crazy I know. I have no such power. Each day I am committing to try to get a bit clearer and stronger in this way. The New Year is almost here and that is a time for relection and consieration about where we are and where we want to go. I know where I am. I am learning about where I want to go.
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Learning about ourselves should be an ongoing thing and you are certainly taking advantage of that here on a daily basis which is awesome. I totally understand wanting to fix others and you are right in that it only distracts you from having to look at yourself. That is what I have just learned recently about myself. Tough pill to swallow I gotta tell ya, but it is so darned true. You are a teacher, you are a nurturer...it is natural you want to help, but it is most important you help yourself right now. You are most definately on the right path, just keep walking it...time is on your side and you will see just how much you have grown already. Be proud of yourself and your accomplishments. You help so many of us here on a daily basis...I thank you for the ways in which you help me. My point is that you can do both at the same time and you are doing just that! You are a blessing to many including yourself. Please open your eyes and see that!
I agree with a guyandadog. I too am a nurturer, in the nursing profession you do not last long if you are not. It is a good question -- why do we keep trying to rescue others when we ourselves are drowning. Maybe we just need to be needed. Feel as though we are important in the lives of others. Perhaps that is how we measure out worth in this world. TS I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy new year. I will be saying a prayer for you and for myself--that we find peace in our hearts and our minds.
I understand where you are coming from. I do the same thing. I take care of everyone else and neglect myself. I know that right now I need to take care of myself otherwise I will not survive this pain.
You are a strong man and on the right path. I hope one day I will get there too.
Take care now. You deserve it.
It is so good to hear you say that you are in a better place now as compared to a few months ago...I feel that way also. Being a teacher myself, I have wondered if I am attracting people that need to be fixed or do I start fixing them whether they want it or not. I don\'t know. A friend of mine lost her husband to death, and the grieving process is similar for the death of the marriage. It is extremely difficult to see your spouse on a course of self destruction, and how to not take responsibility for their actions. You are in a difficult position, but you are on your way to healing. It is so difficult to not love that person as a spouse just because they say so one day. Not when we wouldn\'t have jumped ship no matter what type of seas came our way. Please continue on your way to healing...
I agree with what everyone else is saying, so I thought I\'d share that I have a cat that pees on my hardwood floor and that\'s also my start every morning...so don\'t think that you\'ve got the market on that! LOL - Cheryl
Best wishes to you, and so glad to hear you are healing little by little. It seems I too am doing ok till someone feels a pressing need to update me on my stbx- and once again I am sucked into the black vortex of Caring About Him. I want to cover my ears and scream Nooooooo when they talk about him. May you get all the happiness that you deserve in the new year. And as for the cat peeing in the corner- do you see that it is a metaphor for your ex?! (peeing in the corner of your life- would like to ignore it, but the smell makes that impossible!) heh heh
Oh I could have written this journal entry. Turning our fix it energies inward is so unnatural and a little painful at times. Letting go hurts and takes away a sence of purpose. Realizing that our stbx\'s could potentially self destruct is not pleasant either.
Reality our spouses are (fill in the blank). They will not change! This is the truth. I feel pain because I have temporarily forgotten the truth.
Hard pill to swallow. (((HUGS))))
Oh stepped in cat puke yesterday ugh!