Before my sbtx and I seperated we went to a counselor. She kept saying that it was clear that I was unhappy because I wasn't getting what I wanted, which was to work things out. My sbtx was the one who left, and took a lover. Since that time, months, I have had a lot of time to think (boy have I spent a lot of time thinking! Sheesh) and realized that both of us want some measure of control over the situation. I read so many posts from other members here who are so frustrated with the actions of their sbtx. I see where the sbtx refuses to file papers, or suddenly wants to be friends after the divorce, or other difficult behavior.What I am trying to do now is realize that I only have control over myself. Rationally, I know this. That is the fact. I don't even want control over her. If she wants to be with this other guy, go at it. No matter what I do, I can't make her change her feelings in any way. I do have recourse as far as her actions go. I did file for legal seperation to stop the financial bleeding, but I am talking about emotional healing for the most part here. I am trying to get to a place where I am taking care of myself, where I think about my needs with full understanding of the reality that she will do what she will do, and thinking, obsessing, worrying won't do a thing about it, and even more, that I wouldn't want it to. When I see myself as a worthy human being, which we all are, I recognize that there is no shame for me involved with what happened. My marriage didn't work out. She didn't want it anymore, but nothing I can do will change that. She is autonomous, as she should be, and I have bigger fish to fry. I am starting to get a small inkling of the freedom that comes from letting it go. I can be okay with myself, which is all I ever really had. We were together yes, but we were always both making that choice, physically or emotionally. Think honestly, were you capable of being emotionally available all the time to your partner? Did you get as good as you gave? Were there times where you held back or pulled back in some way? Of course there were. It was not some single entity moving through life. Am I sad? Of course I am sad. I really wanted to see my marriage last. Despite my efforts and desires, it didn't. Will I survive? Goddamn right I will!
Replies
Hi,
It is so hard, and you\'re truly on your way.. always know that your life is your own, no matter what anyone else says, live your life how you want. Best wishes.
You sound so determined and strong. I am happy for you. I found some comfort in your words. Keep it up and you will finds yourself moving along in the fast lane towards your new life in no time. :)
Hi,
\'Acceptance\'. You are completely right. That one word changed my sleepless nights and my occasional crying jags in the car. And it hits us like a lightning bolt. Accepting that we can in fact only control ourselves, and not our significant other, is a huge step. One day I just realized I needed to stop trying and hoping I could inject my stbx with compassion and feeling. it wasn\'t going to happen, and I needed to work on me. As to your question whether I was always emotionally available to him- in retrospect, his complaning about that is valid. Harder to get him to understand is that I became busy in my own activities and with my own friends because he was an angry, unhappy person who was just not enjoyable to be with 80% of the time.In short it was a toxic relationship, and the example we were setting for our daughter was a terrible one. I hope he finds peace in his life, as I hope you and I do as well.
Have a great holiday, and focus on YOU- positive energy.
Sorry to be intrusive,but I just wanted to thank you for opening your journal. I found it encouraging and it has given me a little hope.
Major breakthrough! Congratulations! Yes, of course it all still sucks, but YOU are going to be okay. So happy you found some peace for the Holidays. Take care!
This is a great entry. I am thinking the samething. I am just trying to accept what I have no control over. I need to realize that he isn\'t the man I thought I married. I have wonderful children from my marriage. The most amazing people in the world. I wouldn\'t change that. I learned a lot while in my marriage. I wasn\'t perfect, but who is, I do feel like I tried, just as you have. I am proud of you and your taking your responsibility for you.
I like your attitude. You are being very positive. Sometimes those feelings do occur when you want your marriage to work. When it doesn\'t then you must move on to bigger and better things. With me, I tried everything to make my marriage work but my ex wasn\'t connected to me anymore and he chose to go his own way, I got tired and filed. His lifestyle corrupted me so I had to move on. I begin to think about myself and felt such a freedom when I decided to make a new life for myself. Boy, it is liberating. Do what you need to do for yourself. Life will get better.