Another day up at five am. I am hoping that I can feel my heart giving way to the logic of my head. I sure hold on tight to the idea that if I want the marriage to last and survive that it will. I see myself with way more power than I have. I pray every day for my will to be aligned with God's will but letting go of my marriage is so hard. The relationship was the central part of my life for twenty three years. To move on from that is mind boggling. Thinking about it is pervasive and constant. It is really tiring. I don't drink or do drugs and do not want to get into another relationship. I really want to work through this by myself. Of course, I am getting support but sheesh, other than DS, it feels like an imposition to call friends all the time and rehash the sordid details of my wife's behaviors. I am a rescuer. I chose a woman that was insecure and hurt. For many years our relationship worked. I got to see her grow and become more capable and confident. A bit over a year ago her mother died. That seemed to unleash something within her, as if her life was now hers alone and that she needed to make major changes. She didn't come to me with this stuff but pulled away. The change was dramatic. I was oblivious for whatever reason. That was something that I couldn't do for her I guess. I should have been aware but I wasn't. Then the lying and deception started. She tried using spending to make herself feel better. It didn't work. She tried to fill her life with activities. That didn't work. She turned to another man. I guess to some degree that is working. She has cut off ties to every single one of her old friends. She doesn't talk to her brother, her only living family. When we seperated, she took a LOT of money from our accounts and spent lavishly. We replaced her car with a new one and it turns out that she lied about selling the old one as I got the insurance bill for it. Each lie that comes out should make it clearer to me that she is unhealthy and sick and that she is not the woman that I married anymore. However, I am really struggling to let it go. I want my wife back still. I know that I can't have her. I am determined not to short cut this process. I will feel all the feelings that come my way. It is so hard. I don't want to do it. That is logical but that is a childish way of looking at it. I will be fifty in March. Time to step up and do the deal. Life comes with no promises and we can find a way to see beauty in any situation. I am stuck at the moment but it doesn't have to stay that way. Prayer, writing, talking, excercise, reading and being with my kids can all help me to get healthy again. I am determined to do so. To do less would not be honorable and if there is one thing I am, it is a man of honor.
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Your courage, compassion and wisdom are inspiring. I see a wonderful life ahead for you!
Your wife sounds like my husband. Abrupt change after one of his close family members died. The need to buy things to compensate for what ever is lacking in himself. The selfish need for gratification at any cost (ie her only stable relationships and her honor). It is devastating to those of us left in the wake of this destruction.
One thing I have learn--love is not enough. Not enough especially when it is one sided. We know we have to let go, but it is hard. We know they are lying to us but our heart makes excuses for them. We want to fix what is broken inside them, but we can\'t fix it--only they can. They don\'t even see the damage they are doing to themselves by cutting off communications with family, but we do. We ask ourselves, \"how can we help them\" when we should be asking \"how can we help ourselves, the the children affected by their behavior\". I by no means should/or can give advice. I can only say I know you are hurting and I am right there with you.
Makes you wonder why as bad and painful the marriage was, the break up is worse. Logically, shouldn\'t you feel better it is over? I\'m floored by this whole thing. Keep on healing. That\'s all we can do. Take care!
I am sorry for your pain and the struggle you are going through. I too see the things my husband has chosen, and still I would like him back. I want my old life, all the things that weren\'t perfect, they were still okay. I too had him in my life for 30 years I don\'t know how to not have him there. But we can do this.
I feel the same exact way, I have no children, but I do have family and right about now I am feeling sad, lonely and confused and it has been almost 4 months. I just can\'t seem to let it go and I do want to. I don\'t hate him, I sort of feel sorry for him because he is acting crazy. One minute he is nice the next he is throwing vile words at me. I just don\'t know. You are on the right track, yes it is difficult to go through this painful process, but it is necessary. I am going through it with you, as in many of the people at DS, we will do this together.