Tuesday morning, six am.  Yesterday was a decent day; it was Monday.  Saturday seems to be the hardest day.  I did get support all over the place yesterday.  The folks here have helped a lot.  This seems like a life line to me.  I got a call from an old friend who moved out of state.  His wife left him also for a relationship with another guy. Now he is remarried and has three year old twins.  It is good to hear stories of recovery from this pain that I am in right now.  I have another friend and work and we talk daily.  He is recovering from a breakup so we commiserate.  I hope today is the kind of day when I feel okay.  I don't expect happy, but okay is so much better than when my heart feels so heavy and I am just sad.  I don't like my cell phone.  My sbtx doesn't call and it feels so lonely.  I don't know what I expect from her.  Why would she call me?  She is living her new life.  I am living the old life, with the kids.  I suit up and show up each day.  They are ordering their cap and gown for their graduation from high school in June.  She is not part of that, her loss.  I teach at their school and see them at school each day.  There is consolation is doing the right thing for me.  I have little guilt over what has happened.  I made amends to my wife for the way I wasn't emotionally available to her during our time together the way she wanted me to be.  I committed to changing but it was too late for her.  She walked away from a nineteen year marriage to a man who doesn't cheat, lie, abuse her, who holds the same job, who loves her to the best of his ability.  There is nothing more I can do except feel my feelings, watch them as they roll by and try to get healthier one day at a time.  I sure don't like this time in my life, but I have faith that there is something to learn here and that someday I will be happy again and will find something to make my life complete, whether that is another person or not.