Home for lunch..and a journal entry.Nice conversation with..still don't know what to call him..last night. Thought about my marriage and why I am the way that I am. Independent by nature but also a little forced into it by a very off-balanced relationship. Not the kind that I want to have again. Think I have a choice. I can stay this way with men..defensive and protective (of myself)..not wanting to need, want, or expect anything..or I can not be that way. If I don't allow myself to make some adjustments I think I will end up in exactly the kind of relationship that I just got out of. That would be BAD. Seems a little crazy to have a great person, standing right in front of me (figuratively speaking)..with open arms.. and me standing here..wondering and calculating and thinking about how much of myself I should give..instead of jumping strait into them. I am sure that if my ex hadn't cheated I would be much less hesitant but I don't want what he did to affect every relationship that I have. Doesn't seem fair. Also not fair to not want someone to hold things back from me when that's what I am doing. Can't force readiness..but I can open myself up to someone who clearly wants me to. I feel like if I just make the decision to go for it..I can stop analyzing..and just enjoy what I think is going to be something that could bring a lot of happiness into my life. Feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff. Need someone to give me a push. Knowing that.. whatever happens.. I will land on 2 feet.
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Only you know how you feel. If you can just enjoy the moments (and I mean plural too)--then enjoy them, without guilt! If you are still hesitant, that is ok and perfectly understandable--again no guilt!!! No one knows the future. This will be hard what I am about to say;
Brett went thru three months of me \"hesitating\" and I almost dumped him thinking, he was too good to be true. Maybe I was right all along, but my point is this: Because I did JUMP for it, I got to have 5 years of total bliss. No, make that 4.5 years. The last 4 months of my marriage were horrible. Those were the happiest times of my life and he showed me LIFE and introduced me to so many things. In spite of my deep sadness and heartache, I really cannot regret the time period of Oct 2001 to Aug 2006. So although I am deeply hurting and feel I can never trust or be that happy ever again, I do not regret having a chance at life. It was just not in the cards for me to have a happy one for my majority--and if those 4.5 years is all I have for the rest of my life--so be it. They were great years. So take a chance. You had no idea your marriage and life would end up the way it did and you still don\'t know. So don\'t push away happiness for fear of this happening again. I say go for it--with some caution, but ENJOY, your wings will help you fly and not fall. :)
I could have wrote this same journal entry. I have no man in my life yet, but I can see myself being exactly the same way when I do. I don\'t want to be hesitant, but it\'s gonna be hard to stop it. Especially when there was adultery in my former marriage..I\'m afraid to put myself out there.
Your journal entry once again hit home. I too am afraid to let myself trust, and wonder and let go........for the possibilities what if. You are further along in the healing process. If it feels right, let yourself enjoy the relationship.
You deserve to have a good man walk down the road with you, and to be an equal partner.........its nice to have someone help you carry the burden.............
Go ahead and jump. Enjoy. There\'s no contracts. As you said, not matter what, you will land on your own two feet.
Says the girl who will probably need a push herself someday...
sounds like you have a good attitude. that is such a good way to think. i like the analogy about the cliff.
Don\'t think of it as jumping off a cliff as much as testing the waters. If you don\'t like it, you can get out and try again later. If it doesn\'t work for him, then he just doesn\'t have good taste. :)