A HELL of a day..and night..
This is going to be a long entry.
Got a message from the ex today giving me the dates of the week in August that he is going to "take the kids". First mention of this. Our divorce papers say that he has to notify me in April of his plans for the 2 weeks he gets in the summer. He told me then that he wasn't planning on going anywhere.
The week he wants them is the week that the gf will be at the beach with her son and she will be divorced by then. Got the court date today. 
He didn't know that I knew that.
His idea of "easing" the kids into a relationship with the gf is a week at the beach.
He can't stay with her but when I told him I knew that she would be there he told me that he thought it would be "fun" way for them to meet. He thought I had no choice but to say yes. Thats because he has never read the divorce papers. I told him about the April date and he FREAKED. I also told him that i would talk to the kids, mainly Connor, and see how he felt about it, think about it, and try to make a decision based on them.
Ugly talk back and forth..who wants to hear about that. 
He brought the kids home tonight. I talked to Connor who said..NO!!!!!!!!!
My ex thought it would be a great idea to just let Reece go..I guess that would be to punish Connor for his feelings. I said NO!!!!!!!!!
Then my ex got ultra ugly and started making threats..to tell Reece about the trip (to make me the bad guy)..to get a Lawyer and "fight for his rights"..(the right to spend a week with his kids which he already has with notice)..you get the picture.
He kept talking about his next "recource"..
I stayed calm....and suggested that he come over and he and I talk to Connor together about this so that Connor will have the opportunity to ask him questions and feel better about it..and he can see for himself how Connor is feeling about this issue. Connor agreed to the "meeting" but wasn't happy about it.
Ex came over. it was interesting to see him and Connor talk to each other. So strained and uncomfortable..but I was there and Connor talked..and cried a little.
We talked about the Beach and about the GF. My ex got a little glimpse of what he has done to my child tonight and for the first time in a long time..I saw him humble. Won't last for long.
Ex convinced Connor that they would have a good time and made promises to him about not staying with her (he can't and won't per our divorce agrement). Connor will have his own cell phone and we set down some ground rules about how much time he will be expected to spend with the gf and how he will communicate to his dad when he has had enough. I will talk to the kids 2x daily like I do when he has them for the weekend and he can call me anytime.
Connor decided to go. He looked at his dad with mistrust. His dad looked at him and made a lot of promises.
I told my ex that he could take the kids. i told him that any promises he makes to me have no meaning but if he can look at his son in the eye and make promises to him..and not keep them..he will have lost what little relationship he still has with his 10yr old son.
He left..with no apologies for his behavior but a thank you for helping him work this out with Connor.
They will be at the beach the weekend that I am out of town for my 40th birthday.
Wondering what on earth is fair about that but knowing at the same time that life is not always fair.
My initial reaction to the whole thing was to say HELL NO..but..she is going to be divorced and I can't keep them away from her forever. He is rushing this but I have a feeling he is going to rush into marriage with her also. I have done what I can but I can't protect my kids from that.
It was also, even though he was being an ass and didn't deserve it, an opportunity for me to show him that I am not going to be the one to ruin this for the kids. I am giving him the opportunity. if he blows it..thats on him.
I feel like today was a test. The ultimate Mommy test.
I hope I did the right thing.
Replies
I think you did the best thing. It was good to have Connor there to face his father and let him know his feelings. I hope that Connor has fun and that the ex keeps those promises. Your a good person. Unfortunately, he is still their dad and needs to play an active role in raising them.
The emotional trauma for everyone (including ex) must be excruciating. Your ex must have had a pattern of just doing whatever he wanted during the marriage and letting you find out later on. I have to give you credit for holding back your feelings of retribution - I wish I had such self-control at this point in my life. The reality is that the boys will have two half-families out of this mess and you did a superb job of establishing the ground rules for making it work. Those children can only benefit by observing your careful handling of a bad situation and trying to make the best of it. I can tell you from experience that it could have been much, much worse :-(
You did the best you could under the circumstances - and that\'s all you can ever do. There\'s probably no ultimate \"right or wrong\" at this stage - we are already dealing with broken families... sorry to sound negative, but I think you know what I mean.
What I admire is your ability to see clearly that his choices are his choices and that you do not use the kids as weapons or pawns -- but treat them as the individuals that they are.
We are in this for the long run - we can\'t waste all of our resources and energy on the smaller battles, and I have seen you time and again demonstrates your wisdom in this arena. This one feels a little bigger - but ultimately - we cannot save our children from seeing who their other parent really is.
Thank you for continuing to share your strength along with your struggles. I hope this times goes by quickly for your family.
Wow, your day was a struggle too. I admire the way you handled dealing with this situation with your ex. It gave you the opportunity to provide that window where the father could talk to his son, yet you were still able to be there to support your son while he was talking to his father...........that\'s very strong of you. I don\'t know if I could have handled that as gracefully as you did.........it gives me some hope for how I handle the next situation between myself, husband and his girlfriend.
I hope that the trip with the kids\' father is all that he is making out to be. Like you stated in your journal, if STBX does not keep his word to his kids, he ultimately will lose their respect, he already lost yours and the kids\' might be sooon there too.