I think I started something with the MIL thing yesterday. It occurred to me this morning that since Mothers day is tommorrow.. maybe today could be Anti-Mothers Day.. Remember that I have 17 yrs in with this woman..I'll try to hit the highlights..
My first real experience..and clue..
My ex and I met in College. He graduated 1 yr before me but we were engaged at the time and he stayed in town and got a job to be with me that year. We moved in together the day that he graduated. (okay we shacked up but there were no kids involved). His parents came for graduation and stayed in town for a couple of days to help us get settled in our apt. I had to go grocery shopping and had a HUGE list. She freaked out the whole time we were there..asking me if I had enough money. She kept teling me that I didn't know how much things "cost these days" ( I had been independent for about 3 yrs at this point). She kept taking things out of my cart and putting them in hers. When we got to the register she had the cashier subtotal after about every 3 items. When she finally realized that I could pay for my grocieries..she started taking things out of her cart and oputting them back into mine..until she had put everything back except a few things that were clearly for Glenn. I got so pissed off during this trip (didn't show it) that I put 3 boxes of Condoms in my cart. I paid for those..lol
When we bought our first house my MIL panicked..asked me how we were going to pay for it..we both had college educations and jobs. I told her that I would be writing a check to the mortgage company every month.
Things settled in over the years..we lived in a different state and other than phone calls and them passing through on thier way back and forth from Florida I talked to my MIL a lot but saw her little.
When my ex's dad got sick and died 4 yrs ago..I stepped up. Both of his parents were only children and his only sister is a falling down drunk. Ex, at the time, didn't even know his parents phone #. I was the only one who called. I called every day and did everything I could to help her during that time.
After my ex's dad died I have kept that up. I have an account at a florist and she got flowers for Valentines day, birthday, mothers day. etc. She is very much a "thing" person so I made sure that all of her special days included special "things"..
She got a place in SC 2 yrs ago so that she could be closer to "us" and stays here 6 months out of the year. Plan was that when she couldn't be alone and out of state anymore she would be here all of the time and I would look after her.
About this time last year my ex MIL returned to SC. I went to her place the day before she came back..cleaned it, put new sheets on the bed, hung ferns on her porch, bought groceries. Put some flowers in a vase. Wanted her to be able to come home and relax, not have to run to the store. She, like my ex, does not have the words "thank you" in her vocabulary.
I have cut her an enormous ammount of slack over the years because she didn't have anyone else like me in her life. Everyone needs someone in their life that makes them feel special. Everyone needs to know that, as they are getting older, there is going to be someone there to take care of them. I was happy to be that person for her and I think that she appreciated that. in her own way.
The day that my ex left he went to his mom's before he came home. When he came home he told me that she was going to be bringing us a pie later. A few minutes after that he was spilling his guts about the gf..he wanted to be with her..she was going to leave her husband..etc.
My husband was leaving me and my MIL was going to bring me a pie. I told him to call her and tell her NOT to come to my house that night.
When he left he stayed with her until he found a place.
She came to my house the morning after ex left, with my mother, and the first thing she said was that I was going to have to sell my house. I hadn't even thought about the house yet. THEN she said that me and my mother should feel sorry for HER because SHE was probably going to have to meet the gf.
When he was running around town with his gf and they took a trip togrther..about 1 month after he left..she justified it saying that "we were, after all, seperated".. we were physically but not legally seprated.
For weeks she said..every time I saw her.. "who is going to take care of me??" I finally told her that this was NOT about her. Her response.."yes it is"..
She took a sudden interest in my children who she has never "babysat" for..not 1 time. She never offered but if she had I would have said no. I love my children more than that. So, I all of the sudden had to deal with her presence at every soccor game, etc.
She came by with my ex once to get some boxes of thier family pictures that I was keeping for her. While they were here she told him that he needed to get all of his things out of the garage. I guess she thought I would do something to them. He didn't. I still have all of his tools in my garage.
She invited his gf to her home, while we were still married. She told me that she would form her own opinion about her.
Still, I hung in there with her,,
Final straw.. she called the Saturday night after Connors birthday party. I had invited my then stbx and her. They came. He declined to help pay for the party. I has already seen them at Soccor all morning , then the party and I had had my fill of them both.
She called to tell me how nice the party was. Then she told me that she just "had" to tell me how happy the boys were when they were with thier dad..and what a great dad he was. I told her that she didn't need to tell me that my boys love their father. I knew that. i wasn't doing anything to keep them from him. BUT..I didn't really need her to call me and sing his praises..he walked out on me AND the biys and he had treated me "horribly'.. her response..in the bitchiest tone of voice.."well..did he BEAT you??"..
Sometimes I think that would have been better.
I told her not to call me again. That was it.
I never asked her to choose sides. I know that he is her son. Condoning his behavior is another thing.
I do feel sorry for her..a little.. now her only person is my ex and he has very little patience with her.
She's coming back and I feel the same way that I did when she left. That relationship was one sided. That was okay when I was married to her son but not now.
She is my EX-MIL. She sends me cards and tells me that she misses me but, also like my ex, she doesn't really miss me. She misses what I did for her.
Happy Anti-Mothers Day!!
My first real experience..and clue..
My ex and I met in College. He graduated 1 yr before me but we were engaged at the time and he stayed in town and got a job to be with me that year. We moved in together the day that he graduated. (okay we shacked up but there were no kids involved). His parents came for graduation and stayed in town for a couple of days to help us get settled in our apt. I had to go grocery shopping and had a HUGE list. She freaked out the whole time we were there..asking me if I had enough money. She kept teling me that I didn't know how much things "cost these days" ( I had been independent for about 3 yrs at this point). She kept taking things out of my cart and putting them in hers. When we got to the register she had the cashier subtotal after about every 3 items. When she finally realized that I could pay for my grocieries..she started taking things out of her cart and oputting them back into mine..until she had put everything back except a few things that were clearly for Glenn. I got so pissed off during this trip (didn't show it) that I put 3 boxes of Condoms in my cart. I paid for those..lol
When we bought our first house my MIL panicked..asked me how we were going to pay for it..we both had college educations and jobs. I told her that I would be writing a check to the mortgage company every month.
Things settled in over the years..we lived in a different state and other than phone calls and them passing through on thier way back and forth from Florida I talked to my MIL a lot but saw her little.
When my ex's dad got sick and died 4 yrs ago..I stepped up. Both of his parents were only children and his only sister is a falling down drunk. Ex, at the time, didn't even know his parents phone #. I was the only one who called. I called every day and did everything I could to help her during that time.
After my ex's dad died I have kept that up. I have an account at a florist and she got flowers for Valentines day, birthday, mothers day. etc. She is very much a "thing" person so I made sure that all of her special days included special "things"..
She got a place in SC 2 yrs ago so that she could be closer to "us" and stays here 6 months out of the year. Plan was that when she couldn't be alone and out of state anymore she would be here all of the time and I would look after her.
About this time last year my ex MIL returned to SC. I went to her place the day before she came back..cleaned it, put new sheets on the bed, hung ferns on her porch, bought groceries. Put some flowers in a vase. Wanted her to be able to come home and relax, not have to run to the store. She, like my ex, does not have the words "thank you" in her vocabulary.
I have cut her an enormous ammount of slack over the years because she didn't have anyone else like me in her life. Everyone needs someone in their life that makes them feel special. Everyone needs to know that, as they are getting older, there is going to be someone there to take care of them. I was happy to be that person for her and I think that she appreciated that. in her own way.
The day that my ex left he went to his mom's before he came home. When he came home he told me that she was going to be bringing us a pie later. A few minutes after that he was spilling his guts about the gf..he wanted to be with her..she was going to leave her husband..etc.
My husband was leaving me and my MIL was going to bring me a pie. I told him to call her and tell her NOT to come to my house that night.
When he left he stayed with her until he found a place.
She came to my house the morning after ex left, with my mother, and the first thing she said was that I was going to have to sell my house. I hadn't even thought about the house yet. THEN she said that me and my mother should feel sorry for HER because SHE was probably going to have to meet the gf.
When he was running around town with his gf and they took a trip togrther..about 1 month after he left..she justified it saying that "we were, after all, seperated".. we were physically but not legally seprated.
For weeks she said..every time I saw her.. "who is going to take care of me??" I finally told her that this was NOT about her. Her response.."yes it is"..
She took a sudden interest in my children who she has never "babysat" for..not 1 time. She never offered but if she had I would have said no. I love my children more than that. So, I all of the sudden had to deal with her presence at every soccor game, etc.
She came by with my ex once to get some boxes of thier family pictures that I was keeping for her. While they were here she told him that he needed to get all of his things out of the garage. I guess she thought I would do something to them. He didn't. I still have all of his tools in my garage.
She invited his gf to her home, while we were still married. She told me that she would form her own opinion about her.
Still, I hung in there with her,,
Final straw.. she called the Saturday night after Connors birthday party. I had invited my then stbx and her. They came. He declined to help pay for the party. I has already seen them at Soccor all morning , then the party and I had had my fill of them both.
She called to tell me how nice the party was. Then she told me that she just "had" to tell me how happy the boys were when they were with thier dad..and what a great dad he was. I told her that she didn't need to tell me that my boys love their father. I knew that. i wasn't doing anything to keep them from him. BUT..I didn't really need her to call me and sing his praises..he walked out on me AND the biys and he had treated me "horribly'.. her response..in the bitchiest tone of voice.."well..did he BEAT you??"..
Sometimes I think that would have been better.
I told her not to call me again. That was it.
I never asked her to choose sides. I know that he is her son. Condoning his behavior is another thing.
I do feel sorry for her..a little.. now her only person is my ex and he has very little patience with her.
She's coming back and I feel the same way that I did when she left. That relationship was one sided. That was okay when I was married to her son but not now.
She is my EX-MIL. She sends me cards and tells me that she misses me but, also like my ex, she doesn't really miss me. She misses what I did for her.
Happy Anti-Mothers Day!!
Replies
All I am struck by is that I would like to see a day for \"Daughter In Laws\" for all the caring and giving daughters like you. You were a blessing in her life, and I am sorry she did not seem to understand or appreciate this.
What a story! What a piece of work she is! And what an angel you are to be so generous and caring for someone who never returned it.
I can\'t beat that story, but you\'ve inspired me to write about my own quirkly stbxmil in my own journal...
she\'s definetly not worth your time. But you were very good to her, bless you. It shows the type of person you are, great. I\'m happy that you could write about this & share. Thank you.
My mother in law has never liked me..........she only calls my kids when they are with her son, no problem by me.
Happy Mother\'s Day, you deserve the best :)
To be honest, every woman complains about her MIL but in your case I actually believe you. Her son had to obtained his entitlement attitude from somewhere. I\'m afraid that your reward for all the years of patience will have to wait until heaven but at least you\'ll miss the upcoming senile, paranoid years. It\'s funny because I did so much for my in-laws and it\'s like I no longer exist to them. I think of all the work I did on their house and drove my exMIL anywhere she needed to go but now I am a leper. I suppose that it just confirms the old saying that blood is thicker than water.
You are truly an amazing person. It is rare to hear of someone who gives so willingly and so much of themselves. It seems when your such a giver people take advantage of you. I think of myself as a giver, but after reading your story, I have a long way to go. At least you can hold your head high where ever you go. I understand how you will still feel a little sorry for her, but as you said it\'s not your responsibility. It ended the day your X decided to leave you. I hope you have the best Mother\'s Day tomorrow.
What a shame when people only appreciate you for what you do (like my stbx used tonot even that anymore). My MIL passed away recently. I was there until the endeven went shopping for MIL nightgowns for the family to see her in for her last days. It broke her heart when stbx did what he did to me (and keeps on doing) and she told me she never worried about him versus the other children of hers because he was with me. I was sorry she had to deal with our split right before she passed away of brain cancer. When she was in hospice and I walked in the room she began to cry. She said she was afraid I would not come to see her throughout this. I told her 35 years as my second momof course I would be there for her. The only mementos I have a re a few old cards she wrote me thanking me for being who I was and for blessing their family with my generosity and love for them. I was truly blessed to ave a MIL who most always tried to help me and always was grateful for whatever I did for their family (And believe that was a lot!) Although we have had our moments over the yearsshe was a blessing to me as well. Too bad her son did not have the same redeeming qualities and has a heart of glass.
I have other sib in laws that are taking sides and even though I have housed them for almost a year just before our splitthere is nothing there for me anymoreand will actually be testifying against me in court when it comes to it. I agree there should be an anti In-Law day-- period. Its funny how the worm turns when something like this happens. Blood is thicker than water. And although we may lose a family in this processwe just have to make a new onea family of friends whoi will support us through everything. A family of choice.
Kudos to you for being a stand up person and taking the high road. And kudos for you realizing she is no longer your responsibility to care for and worry about. Let her son and the new gf do that. Her loss.
Che, you are a great person. The whole \"in law/out law\" thing is hard to handle. The last time I spoke to my MIL, she begged me to stay with her son, and said she had put up with my FIL having affairs for their whole marriage - It was the love that was important! She made her bed and I have made mine and mine is no longer beside her cheating son...Like father, like son.
Che, you had far more patience and grace than I would have had in those situations!