An interesting day for me today..
Started with a pretty major "backslide"..I drove by the State Park where the Sherriff's office picnic was last year. The one where I was introduced to the gf..before I knew she was the gf..5 days before ex left.
I cried..then I called him..the picnic will be coming up again soon..reminded him that kids WERE NOT to be there this year..no "chance meetings" with the gf. If she is even still the gf.. no one knows.
Mad at myself..for getting stuck on the same things over and over. the ones that I will never understand..because they are not to be understood.
Thought I would come home tonight and purge..the whole story..everything that happened..
Too exhausting..easy enough to sum up anyway.
June 14, 2006.. I woke up with a husband and I went to bed without one. One very long and horrible day..that led to several long and progressively less horrible months.
Now I am here. I think I have thought about it and prayed about it and talked about it enough to understand whatever can be understood about the end of my marriage.
I took a kind of "inventory" of my life. I have a lot to do. Besides the house and the bills and the day to day stuff. Besides the kids and my friends and family. I have, as of today, 23 people who are dying and are counting on me to help them tie up loose ends and make peace with thier lives. I have 20+ more people who are grieving and are counting on me for words of comfort and advise so that they can go on with thier lives.
I think that the people that are in my life are so much more important than that one person who..by choice.. isn't. I have been devoting too much time and energy on that person. It has worn me down. The people that are left are suffering for it.
So..that cry and that phone call today will be my last. Those last few things that I have not been able to make sense of..or peace with..will just have to be let go. I don't have the time, or the energy, to think about them anymore.
Less time thinking about my life and more time living it...my new motto..
Started with a pretty major "backslide"..I drove by the State Park where the Sherriff's office picnic was last year. The one where I was introduced to the gf..before I knew she was the gf..5 days before ex left.
I cried..then I called him..the picnic will be coming up again soon..reminded him that kids WERE NOT to be there this year..no "chance meetings" with the gf. If she is even still the gf.. no one knows.
Mad at myself..for getting stuck on the same things over and over. the ones that I will never understand..because they are not to be understood.
Thought I would come home tonight and purge..the whole story..everything that happened..
Too exhausting..easy enough to sum up anyway.
June 14, 2006.. I woke up with a husband and I went to bed without one. One very long and horrible day..that led to several long and progressively less horrible months.
Now I am here. I think I have thought about it and prayed about it and talked about it enough to understand whatever can be understood about the end of my marriage.
I took a kind of "inventory" of my life. I have a lot to do. Besides the house and the bills and the day to day stuff. Besides the kids and my friends and family. I have, as of today, 23 people who are dying and are counting on me to help them tie up loose ends and make peace with thier lives. I have 20+ more people who are grieving and are counting on me for words of comfort and advise so that they can go on with thier lives.
I think that the people that are in my life are so much more important than that one person who..by choice.. isn't. I have been devoting too much time and energy on that person. It has worn me down. The people that are left are suffering for it.
So..that cry and that phone call today will be my last. Those last few things that I have not been able to make sense of..or peace with..will just have to be let go. I don't have the time, or the energy, to think about them anymore.
Less time thinking about my life and more time living it...my new motto..
Replies
Wow, Che, you are a rock. Your strength is amazing. And you need a big fat raise for what you do everyday.
Your ex just needs a big fat rock.
I did 8 years in EMS. I could never do what you do. And you do it and STILL accomplish being a GREAT Mom to your boys. Reece was right the other day, if I quote him correctly. You do have the best life ever. They DO have the best Mom.
Just remember not to beat yourself up too much for backsliding. It\'s normal.
Hang in there! We all do the cha cha once in a while and slide back to starting position. Closure will come as you move forward and can forgive yourself for being human and realize you are better off without him in your life. One of the hardest things to accept in this process is that we don\'t have control. We cannot make decisions for the \"other\" person only ourselves. New mantra for mebe flexible
I admire your strength and honesty. Hope I get to point where I can really be happy, am working on it. You rock girl. Thanks for your continued support and friendship. Happy almost end of week. Its hard when you have memories of yesterday.
Mother\'s Day will be difficult at best. Last year, my kids & STBX planted all new flowers for me..............so now they are bloomimg, while beautiful, the beauty is painful too.
I think the \"backslide\" is part of the grieving process. Don\'t be too hard on yourself. YOu seem to have a lot more good days than bad, a lot more good times and beautiful insights than you have \"backslides\". You are wonderful and you give us all strength, please accept our support when you \"backslide\".
Great new motto, I\'ll have to borrow that. Glad to hear that you are just letting it go. It\'s time to move forward and live. Your an inspiration with all you do for others. Bless you and your kids. You are one special person.
You are such an inspiration to me. You deal with so many emotions in your life and you keep going and keep moving forward--without it seems too much time for YOU. You are such a wonderful person and very thoughtful and considerate person to always be thinking of others--I know, I benefit from your warmth and kindness in many ways. Thanks to you, I don\'t add more guilt to myself for missing certain things at certain times. I have enough guilt--don\'t need any more. Enjoy your weekend and maybe you will have some more quips from your Mom to put on here after Sunday.