Today

I felt the tension mounting before I even got off work. That heavy spring coiled tight just beneath my sternum, that only the after-work stiff drink ever loosens up completely. To distract myself, I stopped at the grocery store and bought food for the dog, for the husband, and rewards for myself for making it a whopping 2.5 days without a drink. (I sprung for some pumpkin seeds and a bottle of generic Oil of Olay - what the hell kind of reward is that! Well, it HAS only been 2.5 days.)
Back home, the phone is ringing before I'm even in the door with my loot. It's C, calling to admit he's had an awful day, his boss is driving him nuts, and he's stopping at his favorite watering hole for one. "Just One". He didn't want me to be mad.
I was relieved, actually. Because he's just as dependent on booze as I am, for one reason, and because his backsliding gives me the green light to do the same. So I was down right jovial on the phone.
And the coil let loose a bit - all it takes is my self -permission to drink, and I relax. Just a bit. I did help myself to a St. Johns Wart capsule, and a teaspoon of L-Glutamine powder, and a Fuze Diet Iced Tea. Delay, delay, delay. Eat pumpkin seeds.
I did go for a walk/run today, and man I'm out of shape. It's one reason I really don't want a cocktail, because I want to take this gut off again, and get back into shape. And I want to eat clean, which I have been for a couple of weeks now, no sugar, carbs, processed crap. But also because I'm emotionally dependent as hell on the hootch. It bothers me that it bothers me not to drink every night, every weekend, every opportunity I get.
I hope I don't cave in. I really do.