New Year
Hi Honey, so here it is new years eve. A time to put this old year behind and try to find some sort of peace and comfort in the future. But how do I do that? To know you left me in 2015 is still so unimaginable. But to think I will be forced to spend my remaining days without you is even more brutal. So many years we had together, but it wasn't enough. I don't know how to be me without you!
I am so blessed to have had 40 years with you but it wasn't enough. There was no way to prepare for this level of emptyness. I think of you constantly, I want to talk to you, call you, touch you, hold you, see your kind eyes and those dimples and feel your touch. So how can I be happy in any future year without you?
I keep looking for signs from you. Was that you that woke me up twice to the song from Pearl Harbor? Did you send the cardinals, the preying mantis's, the squirrel? I so want to believe, but I am so confused. You were so kind and gentle and such a wonderful man, husband, father and grandpa. And so here we all are, trying to find a way to fill this incredible void you left behind. Nothing will ever be the same without you by my side. The kids can't share their successes and pitfalls, the grands are going to miss so much without you here to enjoy them.
I know your poor body couldn't take anymore and never would I wish the suffering you endured on anyone. But you were so strong and you always rallied. But not this time. Oh dear God I so hate that you had to go through all of that. I am still searching for answers to a question I will never know. How can life be so cruel? What was the fucking point???
In eight months I have cried every day but one, and then I cried for a week straight. So not me. Yet everywhere I go, everything I do everything I see brings back memories of us. I have never been so frightened and alone in my life. How do I dig myself out of this pit of despair? Distractions are good, but as soon as I am left alone with my thoughts of course they are of you. No human being ever did or will love me as you did and I you. Shit I can't even cancel your cell phone yet! It just seems so final if I do. Silly I know, but my brain has not been funtioning well for months. I didn't know whether it was day or night when I woke up from a nap the other day. Sleep has always been my escape and lately I am so exhuasted that's all I want to do. But then I wake up at night and reality hits and it crushes me.
I guess the best I can hope for is to try to keep busy with the kids, grands and the dogs. Just biding my time until we are reunited. It just wasn't enough not that it ever would have been. I just love you so and miss you more than words can say! Forever yours, Michele
I am so blessed to have had 40 years with you but it wasn't enough. There was no way to prepare for this level of emptyness. I think of you constantly, I want to talk to you, call you, touch you, hold you, see your kind eyes and those dimples and feel your touch. So how can I be happy in any future year without you?
I keep looking for signs from you. Was that you that woke me up twice to the song from Pearl Harbor? Did you send the cardinals, the preying mantis's, the squirrel? I so want to believe, but I am so confused. You were so kind and gentle and such a wonderful man, husband, father and grandpa. And so here we all are, trying to find a way to fill this incredible void you left behind. Nothing will ever be the same without you by my side. The kids can't share their successes and pitfalls, the grands are going to miss so much without you here to enjoy them.
I know your poor body couldn't take anymore and never would I wish the suffering you endured on anyone. But you were so strong and you always rallied. But not this time. Oh dear God I so hate that you had to go through all of that. I am still searching for answers to a question I will never know. How can life be so cruel? What was the fucking point???
In eight months I have cried every day but one, and then I cried for a week straight. So not me. Yet everywhere I go, everything I do everything I see brings back memories of us. I have never been so frightened and alone in my life. How do I dig myself out of this pit of despair? Distractions are good, but as soon as I am left alone with my thoughts of course they are of you. No human being ever did or will love me as you did and I you. Shit I can't even cancel your cell phone yet! It just seems so final if I do. Silly I know, but my brain has not been funtioning well for months. I didn't know whether it was day or night when I woke up from a nap the other day. Sleep has always been my escape and lately I am so exhuasted that's all I want to do. But then I wake up at night and reality hits and it crushes me.
I guess the best I can hope for is to try to keep busy with the kids, grands and the dogs. Just biding my time until we are reunited. It just wasn't enough not that it ever would have been. I just love you so and miss you more than words can say! Forever yours, Michele
Replies
Michelle, I\'m sitting here alone on New Years Eve trying to watch football on TV, but only remembering all the New Years with my Johnny (54 ). Our first one was 1961 when I went to his house and met his awesome family and stayed overnite at his parents house. It cemented our relationship. Now all I can do is remember- by myself. I totally feel all you describe and can only say somehow we\'ll live in our memories and find a way to go on as our beloveds would want us to do. Happy New Year , dear, and know I\'m thinking of you. Susan
Michele for a long time I was just going through the motions and living for others as I wrestled with the brutal reality of grief. Then one day a shift occurred and I started living for myself again. With my 3rd anniversary a few days away I have hope and joy again in my life. I truly wish you find those gifts once again after you work your way through the grief process. Wishing you gentle days ahead. All the best. Gerry
Michele...going into a new year is very hard ..like we need to add yet another hard thing on this horrible journey. Though I don\'t spend as much time on this site as I used to...you are never too far from my thoughts...wishing you strength and love as you continue your journey