FML

  Have wrote this all down before,  sign of a problem,  keep repeating mistakes, sign of ignorance, not learning from mistakes.
    Divorce was final in March.   Summer is upon us,  heat waves, bad moods, deplorable work conditions,(not really, but it is hot).
  Holiday weekends,  family cookouts,  fireworks in the sky and in the hearts.
Hard work, long hours.    Busy busy busy.   One would think there would not be time enough to constantly question his own sanity.
   I see so many get on with their lives,  see them love,  or at least appear to love again.   I see smiles, hand holding, hugs, laughter.  I imagine sultry nights embraced in loving gestures.  I see the occasional drunk, make his pledge of love to his better half. I see couples, families heading to the lake,  I see pictures of kids having a blast.
  I see older married couples celebrating 25,30 40 50 even 75 yrs of marriage,  the twinkle in their eyes matching the trembling in their hands.  See their children, gazing upon the parents with admiration and awe.  I see generations growing.
  I hear about fun, about romance, I even read of new cars, boats, motorcycles, distant vacation travels.  Cruises, casino jackpots.  Hear about grandsons 1st home run,  the night grandpa made home made ice cream.  or  the swim medal a child won on the first meet.
  I see and hear of lots of memories, yet my mind is clouded, for there are no good memories for me to take into an afterlife, if there is one.
  I work, I sustain life, I provide adequately for my son. Yet I know nothing of joy, happiness, love.
  Easily I could blame her,  not right,   I am responsible for my own feelings, happiness. Yet when I see or hear or read about these wanders.  They all draw back to companionship, family.  Being part of something is important.
  All that I am a part of is the work force.  Glad i have a job.  Still all work and no play makes me a dull person.  I want to play,  afford to,  nope.
  Cheap fun can be had,  usually consists of more than one person.
  need to move,  dating sites keep reminding me of that,  need a boat and something to pull it with,   I'm in the center of 3 excellent lakes.
  Looked back on memories,  looked back on what i thought were good times,  not good enough in her eyes.  found some similarities
   I tend to migrate to women in need
needing to be rescued, taken away from their plights.  I find I make it my duty to make their lives better, give them more than they ever had,   I feel needed when this happens, feel appreciated only to later down the line feel used up, tormented, abused,  my wants and needs ignored.
  I need to be needed,  is that classic codependency?
been reading the book "Codependent no more"   I fit it in so many ways,  never been involved with an alcoholic,  but the same results apply.
   after my Fathers Father passed away,   I became a bit obsessed with mortality,  I wander if I will leave this world as revered as he did.   I just hoped to be close to the man Grandpa was.   Have I left  a mark,  will I be remembered for what good i brought to the table, or will there be resentment filling the air when I go on.
  4th of july weekend,   the whole ex family got together,  beer and bratz,  music fun
 
  I worked
 
  She has her man, in time she will have all the kids, for Me, i will fade,  obscurity will claim me.  She was right,  I will die a cold and lonely shell of a man.
 
  I have a lot to offer someone willing to be independent, yet caring,  still I have no idea of how to seek them out.   guess i will wait and see what happens next
 
  ps   not looking for pity,  just feel it necessary to get this down