Cold as a well diggers ass and cold at home.  There was a song once GOT NO REASON NOW FOR GOING HOME< ALL MY REASON NOW, SHE IS GONE.  I'm sure some of you remember it. That is the way I spend most of my waking days now I dont want to go home there is nothing there but emptiness.  My son stays with me a great deal and his older brothers visit frequently it is there home, yet for me it is torment. So many have advised me to get on with life, find another, live life to the fullest, if only I had the courage, the brain , the heart,  I am hopelessly lost in the land of OZZ.  Everything I had believed in for the past 15yrs has turned out to be more or less a lie,  and I'm  not sure I can let myself be deceived again. Now I know not all of it was lies there were alot of good things and times and I remember them vividly, I was told by a counselor that you hold on to the bad moments cause they are easier to remember, yet I have tried to block them out and hold on to the good, guess that is why it's so hard for me to let go.  Valentines is coming and to my friends here at DS I will remember you all esspecially if I have your Email.  And i will remember her too,  she is gone from our home yet she will never leave my heart.  She never liked winter It hurt her back so much and it was always my favorite. I enjoyed holding her close and at night she often referred to me as her personal heater, She is gone and now I think winter maybe the most miserable time of year. Summer was her fav, and my most despised now I long for summer , guess so I can stay out of the house.  Trying to figure out what to do with myself,  could be a drunk ,I've had practice at that years ago.  I could push myself into my work so deeply that once again i burn the candle at both ends, yet I blame that for part of our split.  Maybe a hermit,  alone no one depending on me, depending on no one,  after all i've been accused of being a crab more than once in my life,  Ive changed a great deal since we started having probs,  my boys all say for the better and I do appreciate how close we have all become, yet the void in my life is so vast,  how I long to hold her, to kiss her to hear her breathe to rub her back to sit in our PJs till noon just sippin coffee and talkin, I miss her more all the time and with the big VDAY just around the corner I wander does she miss me at all or am I gone from her in every way,, sorry so gloomy I just have to get it out someway and she is not here to talk to