When I was 17, I graduated high school and my mother made me get a job. She wanted me to give her 2/3 of my pay from the job, which would have kept me there, at her house, for alot longer than I could stand. I knew from the time that I was 13 that I had to get out of there if I ever wanted to become a whole person.I met a man, who was a customer at the diner I worked at, and soon talked him into moving in with me. I had saved $2,000 (by not giving my mother the 2/3 of my pay she demanded) and we moved in together. For 6 months I did not speak to my parents, or my 3 brothers. Even after I found out that the man was cheating on me, I stayed because we (he, mostly) had spent all my money and even working 3 part time jobs I could not save enough to go anywhere. I would have rather died than move back in with my mother.So, I stayed. For 16 years. After the first year, during which I had a miscarriage, I got pregnant and we got married. He never even asked me to marry him, or bought me a ring, and he was drunk all the time. I was miserable, but still had nowhere to go.After another year, I had another baby, and now had 2 babies, nowhere to live, because he couldn't keep a job, spent all the money he managed to earn on drinking and amusing himself. After spending a few miserable months living with his mother, I begged my parents for enough to get an apartment.We went through apartments and babysitters for years. Finally, I got a good job at an insurance company, we bought a house, and settled in. I was still miserable.I spent years at the insurance company, trying to manage the children, daycare, housecare, and working a full time job. It was hard, and I felt alone. I ignored alot of things he did because it was too much to deal with at the time. We went years without medical coverage. We went years without the second income (he still couldn't hold a job). I was trapped, angry, confused, and alone. I did my best, but it wasn't good enough. When I finally had had enough, I left him. He destroyed everything I had spent my life building, leaving me penniless, alone, and with 2 teenagers to support. It is easier to look back at your life and see where you went wrong. It is harder to not only learn from the mistakes, but to change your behavior so that you don't repeat them. I've only had 3 relationships in my life (with men), and all three of them were bad. I can't blame the men, totally, because I did not stand up for myself during these relationships. I let them walk all over me, even though I hated it and it made me miserable, and I have no one to blame but myself for that.I spent the better part of the 90's alone, and I'm alone now. I'm not happy, but I'm not totally miserable either. I don't think I will ever be able to get involved with anyone again, no matter how much I might want some company here, because I don't feel that I can trust myself to stand up and be counted. I don't know how. I was trained from birth not to.