I have sat down and tried to write in my journal but my mind goes blank or races so much that I can't get it down.  I haven't been posting much but I have been reading some of the posts.  I just feel like I'm in this never ending hole.  Nothing I do seems to help me get out.  My doc has been great.  She has no problems prescribing the meds that I need, but nothing seems to help.  I decided to just bite the bullet and work through the pain doing things that I used to do.   I have been working one day a week with my daughter and my best friend, but that one day puts me down for three.   I'm doing what my doc asked me to do and walking more and farther but find that by the time I get home I am almost crawling in the door.  I went to the pool that I got on this cheap program for but the water isn't really that warm and I stiffened up after a couple of minutes.  I asked if the water was always this temperture and they said that is was a little cooler than usual.  I'm hoping that it gets warmer so I can stand to be in it.  The one best and finest thing in my life is my husband an my children.  My hubby bless his heart works 4 12 to 13 hour days to keep us above water financially.   He never complains about having to do it.  He never complains that I am still in my PJs laying on the couch in the same place when he left for work.  But I feel like such a waste.  I feel like I am the worst wife in the world.  He tells me I'm the best.  My daughter spent the last four days with us.  She had Lasik surgery on her eyes so she came over on Sunday so I could drive her to her appointment for the consultation on Monday.  Worked out that she could have the surgery the next day Tuesday so she just stayed over.  I took her to the doc and was able to watch the whole surgery.  Was interesting but a little gross too.  She came to home with me so I could take care of her after the surgery and drive her to her post op appoinment on Wednedsay.  Was kinda nice I had someone to sit with me.  We crocheted and watched tv and movies.  Or I should say she listened to them since she couldn't see them.  But surgery went well, and by 24 hours she was seeing at 20/20 vision.  Doc said that when she was completly healed she would have better than 20/20 vision.  I realy enjoyed the fact that she needed her mom to take care of her during this.  Her boyfriend offered but she said no she wanted her mom.  But it took a tole on me.  Today I am down and out.  Hurt so bad and exhausted.  I'm jsut so upset, and pissed off that I can't be the same as I was just months ago.  I feel like I am 90.   We have been able to keep just ahead of the bills.  Tax refund helped get us back on top of things, and I am hoping that we can stay on top of them.  We almost lost our electricity a couple of months back but the Salvation Army came in and helped.  I hate the fact that here we are my hubby works a lot and has a fairly good wage, but we still only scrape by.  I called around to see where I could get my meds cheaper and found that Target has the same deal as Walmart with the 4 dollar meds.  I take four different ones and three of them are covered under the 4 dolllar program.   That was a blessing that I thought to call them.  I didn't know they had started a program like that.   I told my doc about it since Target is closer to my area of the city than a Walmart is.  She now has a flier in her office letting people know about it.  Well I am going to crawl back to the couch and take some more pain meds.  It's about time for my next dose.  I hate the fact that I have to take these type of meds.  But they are the only thing that keeps the pain down to a level that I can handle without screaming.