I cant even think about a nice way to start this...........i am loaded with the cold and in the middle of a major attack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I think it has been building up since last week and now it has hit me like a fucking brick, i am in the house by myself because mick is in london with his work and i feel as if i cant be trusted on my own......i know it sounds daft even when i say it in my head nevermind aloud, but the fact remains that the thought is there and i cant get rid of it. I look at things around me and think what if i do something with that, like take too many of my tablets or wrap my dressing gown cord arround my neck????..........Its not like i want to do these things, but its like something will happen when im not concious of it,,,,,,,if that makes any sense.....which i dont think that it does.   My brain seems to pick out the worst case senario and then runs with it which scares me to hell, its as if im not in control of it.  I have sat through in the room trying my breathing exercises, then trying to confront it by saying for fuck sake what the hell am i worried about, then i sit rocking for a while or talking to the cats.......but i cant find anything to distract me.....even my usual technique of reading isnt helping.I am at a loss....that is why i have turned to my journal, as usual it is my last hope of trying to make any sense out of this fuckin disorder that comes and goes as it pleases.  I have no one to confide in because i dont want to bore anyone with this shit, i cant tell mick when he phones tonight because i will only worry him and then i will feel worse........what the fuck can i do????I have underlying worries at the moment, i was away for my MRI scan at the start of the week and i wont get the results for a wee while yet maybe three to four weeks.......i know that there is probably nothing wrong with me but it doesnt stop the ridiculus feelings welling up inside of me..............god i just need a cuddle and for someone to tell me its going to be do i get through this again?????I probably just need a good nights sleep, cause i havnt had one of those in a while.........but yet again i think that i am progressing with my recovery only to land on my arse.  Why do these things scare me????  Why dont i feel in control of my own actions??????  I want to try to find the answers but where the hell do i start?? No one ever tells you that, sure there are different coping mechanisims, but whats the point in them if either they dont work or you dont know what it is that you are trying to deal with.......anxiety covers a big fuckin base!!!!!!!!!  Ive heard the saying what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.....i want to know when the fuck that happens because every single time i get a massive panic attack like this i crumble to pieces.  Small ones are fine, and you even get the sense of achievement because you beat it......but lets face it there is no beating this unless you have rode the wave of the big fucker and landed on dry ground instead of sinking and drowning in anxiety.  I know that this entry is so negative but if im being honest then this is how i feel right now,,,,,,no holds barred,,,,,,,i may look at this in a couple of weeks and wonder what the hell i was thinking, or i may be embarresed for being so weak.