Wednesday, February 27, 2008

howdo journal.....im having a slight meltdown at the moment, as you know my biggest problem at the moment is traveling and staying away from home.....well, i already had to gear myself up for london in august and now mick has just signed us up to go to download again in june.....aaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhhhh, shit shit shit shit shit shit.  The problem isnt really the venue ar anything like that its the fact that i dread it that kills me...........i love heavy metal and i like london so you think that i would be glad of the opportunity to go...but my brain just screams no......no doubt i will be there but the endless months of worry that now span infront of me really piss me off, this is where i wish i could switch off and just say to hell with it, but my brain wont let me........also the thing that gets me is all my feelings are irrational and i recognise that so you think that would be enough to move on......so why cant i??????   i will tell you, after the panic attack i had there last year it would be easy to say no, but then i would feel shitty for giving up.......bring on the diazepam. Last year i was able to smoke as well, but i have given that little crutch up as well havent i........oh yeah me.........fuck fuck fuckity fuck.......i may have to hit the web access rooms if i go and spend all day on the ds site.....How pathetic am i.......its what, february and i am already freaking out about june and august what a fucking life.......i need a small house somewhere quiet so that when i go places i can take my cats with me, then i can chill the fuck out and be able to do things at my own pace, which if you listen to my mum it seems to be slow and stop.....but hey we cant all be expected to keep up with the rat race. I wish that i had someone near me that understood what it is like to live with panic constantly.......it seems to them that i am doing nothing but i know that everyday that i get out there its a battle to keep it together, if only they knew. Just because i dont talk to them about it all the time they assume its getting better and going away, the true fact is i dont want to bore them anymore than i really have to......its no fun listening to someone whine on all the time is it??????Anyway i'll sign off for now and no doubt be back on to moan some more later on...ttfn..xx