Ugh!
Don't get me wrong by the title of this journal entry. Today is a relatively decent day, considering the kind of days I have had over the past 2 months. My pain is minimal for now. My spasticity is average (I go adjust the pump again tomorrow), I exercised on my pilates machine for 40 minutes, and I have 300 teps and its not even noon. So, I am getting slightly stronger.
The Ugh is for the frustration I feel about being dirty. I showered Sunday afternoon. 2 days ago. I am feeling envious that my husband can just jump in the shower and make himself look good. I have to wait for him to put my hair up. I have the use of one arm. Getting dressed and showering wipes me out. I used to shower and put make-up on daily. I am also in depends. I used to feel pretty. Not so much any more. I just don't have the energy to spend on this. I'm only 47. I feel 80. I sometimes feel useless. I feel empty. I feel sad. I want to feel alive. I am bored. I want to get back to work. I, I, I, ....... I am sick of me.
I tell myself it doesn't matter. But it does. I have to have help after a shower. Sometimes people are busy. Usually I am tired. And although clean feels better. I don't look any better. Same pony tail, no make-up, stretchy pants, and depends. So Ugh to that. Is there a chance tomorrow will be different. Sure. Today I am sad and mad at all the folks who take moving, showering, and standing up for granted.
The Ugh is for the frustration I feel about being dirty. I showered Sunday afternoon. 2 days ago. I am feeling envious that my husband can just jump in the shower and make himself look good. I have to wait for him to put my hair up. I have the use of one arm. Getting dressed and showering wipes me out. I used to shower and put make-up on daily. I am also in depends. I used to feel pretty. Not so much any more. I just don't have the energy to spend on this. I'm only 47. I feel 80. I sometimes feel useless. I feel empty. I feel sad. I want to feel alive. I am bored. I want to get back to work. I, I, I, ....... I am sick of me.
I tell myself it doesn't matter. But it does. I have to have help after a shower. Sometimes people are busy. Usually I am tired. And although clean feels better. I don't look any better. Same pony tail, no make-up, stretchy pants, and depends. So Ugh to that. Is there a chance tomorrow will be different. Sure. Today I am sad and mad at all the folks who take moving, showering, and standing up for granted.
Replies
i hear you girl taking a shower is a struggle with me .the right side is weaker and i have to lift my leg with my hands and thank god i dont fall while im doing it .no work here either .its crazy how life turns out .i know god heals me every day .you are a strong positive lady that gives me hope. if you can do it i can too .stay strong as you are and never give up i love you .love ya april
It will get better Kelley hang in there I know it is so frustrating. You will get stronger and back to work real soon. Showers take a lot out of me to but I do feel better showering though. Stay positive and take care. Chuck
Wow, good for you for doing 40 minutes on your Pilates machine! I understand that envy you have for your husbands ability to just jump and do. In time though, once you\'ve had your pump longer and you are stronger, things will be better. I don\'t shower everyday. I do a wash cloth bath on the off days. It just uses up too much energy. But freshening up with a wash cloth still makes me feel better. Hang in there, you\'ve got this!