Angry
Today I am not so angry. But for the past few weeks I have felt very angry. Angry at this disease. I have been super tired and every little thing has been hard. Yesterday I think I over did things a bit. I had a disagreement with my husband first thing in the morning. He is so sweet most of the time. And for awhile he was putting his needs aside and doing little things that made my life easier. My whole attitude was invigorated with his caring. Then I went on break from teaching, and it stopped. He became indifferent to my needs and stopped doing all the little things. Even though I have been off for three weeks, the things he could have continued to do would have greatly helped me out. When I said something, he just got mad. So I was stressed and we did not talk for 6 hours (he was at work). When he go home he told me he was sorry and he was being lazy. I felt healthier 3 weeks ago and have been worried that I am declining. So, even though I am doing not to much, I feel like I have needed more help. Then I ask for one little thing and he gives me a hard time. Last night I was so mad. It is not like this disease is easy. And the prognosis doesn't improve with time. Things seem to get worse slowly. So, I was stressed out which affects how I feel.
So, I was pissed off and decided to go swim at the gym. Pool lanes were gone and there was no lap swimming. A water aerobics class was going on. So I tried it. It was an hour. I was deceptively cool in the pool and felt good enough. When I was done I could barely walk. By the way 80 year olds were better at this class than I was. It was frustrating. I almost couldn't get out of the gym. And of course, when I was having trouble walking, I had to go pee. I almost peed my pants 4 times yesterday. I don't have to go and then all of a sudden I do and I can't hold it. Pain in the butt if you ask me.
My father in -law is in the hospital. A dear friend (older gentleman) is on life support in the hospital. I have summer school starting tuesday for three weeks. I feel overwhelmed lately. And the anger at being trapped in this body is sucking me dry. I do so much better when I am with the kids at work. Too much down time is not my friend. And at the same time I have been so tired, down time is the only thing I am good at.
And lately I have had pain. Not shooting nerve pain. Very achey muscles. I hurt if I sit, lie down, or walk. I am so tight and rigid. I am very irritated. So, last night as I said my prayers, I prayed thanksgiving and acknowledged the gratitude for the blessings in my life. I am going to focus on the blessings and see if it changes my out look.
So, I was pissed off and decided to go swim at the gym. Pool lanes were gone and there was no lap swimming. A water aerobics class was going on. So I tried it. It was an hour. I was deceptively cool in the pool and felt good enough. When I was done I could barely walk. By the way 80 year olds were better at this class than I was. It was frustrating. I almost couldn't get out of the gym. And of course, when I was having trouble walking, I had to go pee. I almost peed my pants 4 times yesterday. I don't have to go and then all of a sudden I do and I can't hold it. Pain in the butt if you ask me.
My father in -law is in the hospital. A dear friend (older gentleman) is on life support in the hospital. I have summer school starting tuesday for three weeks. I feel overwhelmed lately. And the anger at being trapped in this body is sucking me dry. I do so much better when I am with the kids at work. Too much down time is not my friend. And at the same time I have been so tired, down time is the only thing I am good at.
And lately I have had pain. Not shooting nerve pain. Very achey muscles. I hurt if I sit, lie down, or walk. I am so tight and rigid. I am very irritated. So, last night as I said my prayers, I prayed thanksgiving and acknowledged the gratitude for the blessings in my life. I am going to focus on the blessings and see if it changes my out look.
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