Changes?
I hate change. Does any one really like change. I like to know what is going to happen, when I am having dinner, etc.. I know change is constant. The changes in my life prior to this diagnosis were so easy to navigate. This disease is anything but easy. I am tired. I am sad. I am angry. I still find joy in each day. There are still reasons to celebrate. I am just tired of everything being so difficult, of my body hurting, to struggle to move, and of having no energy to do the things I want to do.
I feel like a prisoner in my body on most days. I push past this feeling frequently. Yesterday my husband took me to the beach. I don't do it by myself anymore. I live a block from the beach. The block is like a marathon for me. And then carrying all the stuff, putting up an umbrella, and walking is just hard by myself. I walked down yesterday, but he got the car to bring me home. Crazy disease. I used to be an ocean lifeguard and now just walking to the beach is hard. Sometimes I wonder who I am. Where did the fun and carefree person go. I am tired of having to plan each little thing in my life. I even have to plan how much and when I drink water. I have to make sure there is a bathroom cause when I have to go I have to go. Today I am going to make myself swim. I am lazy. But I notice when I move what I can I hurt a little less. So, I am going to do it.
I have one more week off before I teach 3 weeks of summer school. My classes are ambitious. I have two more to plan out and shop for. It could be a long week. Less is more. I am going to try to make the classes simpler than I have in the past. One good thing is that the students bring me so much joy. Work might be hard, but it keeps me feeling alive and joyful. I like, no LOVE my job. I am signed on for 1 more year full time. if it is too much I can back off some. I hope this is not my last year. I love my school. I love the people I work with. I love the kids.
I am venting. I am not miserable today. Just feeling stuck. Feeling frustrated.
I feel like a prisoner in my body on most days. I push past this feeling frequently. Yesterday my husband took me to the beach. I don't do it by myself anymore. I live a block from the beach. The block is like a marathon for me. And then carrying all the stuff, putting up an umbrella, and walking is just hard by myself. I walked down yesterday, but he got the car to bring me home. Crazy disease. I used to be an ocean lifeguard and now just walking to the beach is hard. Sometimes I wonder who I am. Where did the fun and carefree person go. I am tired of having to plan each little thing in my life. I even have to plan how much and when I drink water. I have to make sure there is a bathroom cause when I have to go I have to go. Today I am going to make myself swim. I am lazy. But I notice when I move what I can I hurt a little less. So, I am going to do it.
I have one more week off before I teach 3 weeks of summer school. My classes are ambitious. I have two more to plan out and shop for. It could be a long week. Less is more. I am going to try to make the classes simpler than I have in the past. One good thing is that the students bring me so much joy. Work might be hard, but it keeps me feeling alive and joyful. I like, no LOVE my job. I am signed on for 1 more year full time. if it is too much I can back off some. I hope this is not my last year. I love my school. I love the people I work with. I love the kids.
I am venting. I am not miserable today. Just feeling stuck. Feeling frustrated.
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