okay so not a whole hell of a lot happening right now. lets see i tink i qualify for the seriusly mentally ill program here in AZ. this means bukko benefits i guess. looking at a way to turn this into a hudd property and rent it out from my folks after i get section 8 housing. that would get my dads rent covered cuz they just cant afford to rent this house to me for the amount of money i pay. need to hear back soon cuz i'm running out of my meds. work is good. getting more hours. looking forward to the holidays. dont like feeling all alone in this house though. ive just got to meet someone. maybe i should get a roomate? i dunno. so yeah no mood swings a lil sluggish cuz of taking xanax to get to sleep but will talk to pdoc about it. still just taking on day at a time. thats all anyone can do right?
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well the lonliness crepped up and has grabbed me. i went to church tonight by myself, sat there and left by myself then went home to find myself still all alone. i know most ppl would welcome this amount of tanquility but im done. I\'m so sick of being alone now. i mean its been over two years since georges and mines break-up and im really ready to move on. and its not just a boyfriend anymore its having that family connection where someone really just needs you and i dont have that and it hurts. i just hate not having anyone appreciate and love me. i want a baby so bad. i feel as life is passing me by. what can i do? will i even make a good wife? can i have children? i wonder. im tired of hearing \"oh, it will happen when you least expected. im always expecting it. do i just give up? i know i need to leave it too the Lord but gosh its so easy to want to hold on and plan things for myself. i know ay least i sincerely hope that the lonlieness will dissipate and my life will change but i cant wait. i feel like i wasted 10 years with my ex and i got nothing out of it. nothing. most ppl would have gotten a child but no . i got endless hosp visits because of stress. what if if instead i found someone who really loved and cherished me? oh how things could have beeb diffrerent. i also wish i had my mom to talk to when i get this down and lonlie but she is no longer alive and left me when i was a little girl. oh gosh how i wish she was here to see me grow up. shed love my friendly, and sweet personality. i just feel like ive been robbed of a meaning ful life. i mean i lived a good life but i feel like it has lacked substance . just honest to goodness quality. making the difference in anothers life passing on generations. im so frustreated i want to scream! please someone get me out of this rut i dont like feeling like this. i want love life and acceptance. is this too much to ask for?
whoops typed this journal in comment box. placed it in the in the journal box too. well thats good because i feel like this is a very heart felt entry and i dont think ive felt such emotion in my past entries