well sometimes they say your life can cahange at the drop of a hat.  and i think mine just did.went to folks and they had  "THE talk with me.  they told me how things just arnt working here in az for them and I.  They told me they are hurting for money and can no longer afford for me to live here.  (they pay for the morgage on my house i give them a drop in the bucket compared to what they could be getting) These ppl also pay for my utilities, my high speed net, my phone , my cable, and my cell.  yes i sureve had it rough not.  but yeah im to a point in my life where i dont want handouts or "charity" if you will.  So the sloution?  I move back to cali and finish school.  I need 2 more clasess to graduate then i can go where i want and get a decent job.  I am not apposed to this.   it actually made me quite happy.  no more eating alone , calling my friends in cali.  we all talk like 5 times a day.  yes az has been lonely.  i will close to them so we play on weekends.  Now on the other hand i am very nervous about finding a house in cali.  they are very expensive. AND I REFUSE TO RENT ROOMS AGAIN!!!!! i just cant stand the stress to live with a stranger.  everytime ive done so it triggered an episode.  So, i will get the max from ssi and find an okay place, rent a low income apt, or find a guest hose something!  i have my xanax...hee hee!  no seriusly if anxiety sets in im glad to have it. This means FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I WILL BE ALONE.  no more checking in with the folks every damn day telling them how my life is going, where im going.  they didnt askk for this but we live so close we new what was happening in each others lives constantly.  really fucking annoing.  i love to be a free spirit.  so this change will take place by the first of 2008 (january) i will keep working in retail till then, pack up and be on my merry way to cali.  i cant believe im moving back to cali.  i said once i left id never go back.  but here i am.  side note I WILL ALWAYS KIT WITH YOU GUYS.  YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. YOU ARE MY LIFE LINE.  KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED.well thats it.  have an appointment with my psychologist today. i guess we will chat about many things like the steps it will take to get my life in order again.  yes in can be a beautiful life.  cant it?