I didn't realize it has been so long since I last wrote a journal. Time to update...Jonathan's finger has gotten better. He still has another week or so before he can get the stiches out. He left for New Jersey yesterday to see his family. I could of gone with him, but decided to stay here to spend Christmas with my family. My dad has just finished his cancer treatments, and we haven't spent a Christmas together since before my parents got a divorce. (11 years ago) But he seems to want to spend it with his friend and her kids. I don't want to guilt him into spending it with me. I would rather him go where he wants to...so we will see.My mom and I aren't talking right now. She's bipolar, and I don't think she's on her meds. So, I guess I will be spending Christmas here with my cat, Lucy. Pretty sad, yes...but I just can't apologize to my mom yet again for something she made up in her head that I did. (even though I didn't do anything). I'm always the bigger person and apologize because I know she is sick...but I just can't bring myself to do it this time. I guess I'm kinda waiting to see if my family will call me or not. Then I will know how they feel about me. You see, my mom is very evil. For some reason, she takes things out on me. I've always been her punching bag. All I've ever wanted from her was her acceptance. I know I will never get that from her. She puts my brother on a pedistal, even though he is selfish and does nothing for her. I'm always the one to help her take care of her parents, or help her out. My brother hardly calls her, but when he does, he's just the greatest human being on the earth. Yet, I'm horrible for some reason even though I call her almost everyday and do things for her. I just can't win. So, it looks like it will be a quiet Christmas for me. I'm trying not to get depressed, but it is hard without Jon being here. He's my rock. He always builds me up when my mom brings me down. He's only been gone a day and I miss him terribly. Ok, here come the tears. I guess this is all effecting me worse then I thought. I'm trying to be strong. TRYING is the key word here...I do want to wish you all the most wonderful and Merry Christmas ever! I hope all your wishes come true and you all have the most pain free day possible! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!Jessica
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aww i\'m sorry you are struggling with your mom. this sounds exactly like my mother, exactly! and i had to make the hardest decision a couple years ago to not have any contact with her and it\'s just so much better. i miss her terribly sometimes, well not her now but the mom i remember. i wish you would have gone with jon. makes me mad for you. i hope you and lucy have a good day anyway. take care and hopefully your dad will choose you over some other family. love and hugs, meg