SINCE BEFORE CHRISTMAS MY WORLD HAS BEEN TURNED UPSIDE DOWN COMPLETLY...... MY STEP SISTER AND HER 2 CHILDREN GOT KILLED IN A CAR ACCIDENT..... I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR CHRISTMAS BECAUSE I QUIT BREATHING AND STARTED TURNING BLUE..... THEN ON JANUARY 13, 2008 MY WORLD WENT TO HELL COMPLETLY....... MY UNCLE WHO WAS LIKE A FATHER TO ME MORE THAN MY OWN WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT FATHER COMMITED SUICIDE..... HE STUCK A 22 IN HIS MOUTH AND PULLED THE TRIGGER.... I DID NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL JUST BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT I KNEW THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD HANDLE IT.......... HE WAS EVERYTHING TO ME (IN A FATHER AND UNCLE WAY) THAT I HAVE NEVER HAD IN A FATHER..... IN A WAY I THINK IT'S MY FAULT THAT THIS HAPPENED..... HE'S BEEN WANTING ME TO COME UP THERE FOR THE PAST 6 OR 7 MONTHS AND I KEPT BLOWING HIM OFF.... THEN HE KILLS HIMSELF..... THE FIRST THING THAT POPPED INTO MY HEAD WHEN MY AUNT CALLED ME TO TELL ME IS THAT HE WANTED ME TO COME UP THERE SO THAT HE COULD TALK TO ME ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH HIS HEAD..... AND THAT HE THOUGHT THAT I DIDN'T CARE BECAUSE I KEPT BLOWING OFF GOING UP THERE...... I MISS HIM SO MUCH.... I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE...... I HAVE TO BE HONEST RIGHT NOW THOUGH.... THE ONLY REASON WHY I AM STILL ALIVE RIGHT NOW IS EVERYONE OF MY ADOPTED SISTER, FRIENDS ON HERE, MY FRIENDS THAT I TALK TO OTHER THAN ON HERE.... MY FIANCE..... AND MY NIECE..... I'M NOT LIVING BECAUSE I WANT TO BE HERE BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T...... NOT ANYMORE NOT SINCE MY UNCLE KILLED HIMSELF.... I JUST CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS SHIT ANYMORE...... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO..... I HAVE BEEN TALKING WITH MY COUNSELOR, MY THERAPIST AND MY DOCTOR ABOUT IT ALL.... NOW I HAVE TO GO IN FOR COUNSELING AND THERAPY EVERYDAY OF THE WEEK..... I HAVE TO GO SEE MY DOCTOR EVERY 2-3 WEEKS.... IT SUCKS SO BAD...... THEY ARE NOT HELPING ME OUT ANY.... THEY TELL ME TO TALK ABOUT WHAT IS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD RIGHT AT THE MOMENT I WALK INTO THEIR OFFICE'S AND I TRY TO BUT THEY TURN AROUND AND TELL ME THAT I HAVE PAPER WORK THAT NEEDS FILLED OUT AND TURNED IN AND THEN THEY ASK ME HOW I HAVE BEEN SINCE I SEEN THEM LAST. I TELL THEM EVERYTIME THAT I SEE THEM " I NEED TO DO ALL THE TALKING TODAY..... ALL I NEED YOU TO DO IS SHUT UP AND LET ME GET THIS OUT..... THE MORE I HOLD IT IN THE MORE I JUST WANT TO JUMP IN FRONT OF A FUCKING TRAIN" I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO..... I CAN'T CHANGE THEM BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS FULL..... I'VE TALKED WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE ABOUT CHANGING ALREADY..... UGH.... I HATE MY FUCKING WORTHLESS LIFE.......I'M SIGNING OUT OF HERE..... IF ANYONE NEEDS ME I WILL BE ON AIM, YAHOO, AND WINDOWS LIVE MESSENGERS..... I WILL ADD MY SCREEN NAMES FOR ALL 3 AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE....AIM = CANGELBABYHOTYAHOO = JENN_2006_2007WINDOWS LIVE = LAURENANDMARIAH@HOTMAIL.COM
Replies
You have had alot to deal with hun and it is only normal to feel so bad about it all but you also have plenty to live for, alot of people out there have far less and they find it in them to want to fight. Why do you not want to fight?? You have many happy and good things in your life and support to help you please find it in you to want to live for YOURSELF not anyone else. Don\'t give up and try and stop feeling this way.
wow! im not on your friends list honey but i read your journal and i know your finding it hard right now and quite rightly so life has a horrible way of creeping up on us and testing us sometimes to the extremes! you need to find a way of dealing with this and to find strength in you to continue the fight! noone else lives their lives for you, you have to live your life for you and try and make it a happy one. please dont give up you are worth the effort to fight that little bit harder x