i found a couple of things that i had written last november.  man, that seems like it was a really long time ago.  these were my thoughts at that time, i was journaling somewhere else because i was too chicken to put them here.  12/3/07today i feel sad.  i don't even know why.  intellectually, i know that my life is good.  i have a good family, a job.  a boyfriend who loves me.  why can't i just be happy?  with whatever my life is?  the more i htink about telling people about this problem, the more i don't want to.  it seems like such a stupid problem to me.  it seems like it should be somehting to work myself out of with diet and exercise.  i just don't know why i feel so awful about it all the time.  a better job, a better family, a better boyfriend.  everything has to be better.  but it never gets better.  and it doesn't even NEED to get better. i don't even know what i'm doing anymore.  11/09/07today i am still ashamed.  i've joined a support website, hoping that the daily reminder will encourage me to pay attention to this.  i'm so humilated that i can't seem to ease up on this.  i'm thinking about it constantly and wondering why i just can't control my eating.  the lady at the treatment center said this is definatley a disease.  but the world doesn't see it that way. or do they?  do i even have any idea what i'm talking about? how does an anorexic feel about a binge eater?  11/7/07i'm afraid that everyone will look at me as if i'm just someone with no self control.  i understand what i'm doing to my body.  i understand that every unhealthy thing is only going to add to my misery.  so i suppose i'm embarrassed.  i know what i think when i see someone i think is doing something bad for themselves.  i judge them.  i don't mean to but i do.  when i look at people who are so skinny, i wonder why they don't just eat something.  when they look at me, do they just thing "why doesn't she stop eating?"  i would.  i do.  in my head.  i judge myself.  and then i get up in the morning, hate my body and do it all over again.  what is wrong with me?  admitting that i have a binge eating problem isn't easy.  i always thought i ate in private because i should be allowed to eat whatever i want no matter what anyone thought.  but that was the reason that i was doing it.  i know exactly what someone thinks when they see a 300 pound woman eating a big mac.  for some reason, it feels socially acceptable for someone to be anorexic or bulemic.  being a binge eater, it doesn't even sound like a disease.  how am i going to go to group with people who weigh 80 pounds?  how does that work?  i don't want people to think that i'm only there because i want to lose weight.  i want to know why i'm like this.  i want to know why, with such a wonderful family, i turned out so screwed up.  and what about my sister?  how did it happen to her?  why did i go one way and she another? would family therapy be benificial for us? how do i tell michael?  what do i tell him?  everything?