lost

 well it has been so long since Ive written..not much has changed I think of Ashley every second of everyday...It is almost another new year, another year my Ash didnt exist in..  Ash you would be 19 now , Kaitlyn will be 17 soon, the same age as you when you died, I wont let her drive till she is 18, of course that didnt go over too well but she finally accepts it, I think.....Lately I have been feeling so alone so depressed I miss you so much , I see so many of your old friends, I wonder If they think about you?? it can be so hard, so bittersweet, I so so good when they remember you but then feel so jealous that they are here and you are not...time doesnt feel all wounds I dont know who said that but it doesnt work that way, I only miss you more!!  nothing is right anymore, nothing...I still ask myself why ? but I try not to go there too often , it only makes life so much harder...I dont go to your grave everyday  , It is so hard to go and know that you are down there, but I do think of you all the time!!! We are not doing xmas at home this yr, I cant get myself to decorate or celebrate it, so we are going away, you would be so excited if you where here...going on a cruise the one thing we never got the chance do take you...I tried to put some stuff up but it seems no one wanted to help, so it didnt happen, I know your sisters want "normal" back but what is that ??? maybe some time in the future we will be able to homor you and remember the way you used to decorate the whole house inside and out! always over doing but always so happy and excited about everything!! oh how I miss you....................Love you always and forever.........Love you , Mom