Another week is here! This new life is so exhausting to get thru and I really dont do much, not like before I could always muster up some xtra energy and never fell, know I need it all just to get thru my day...I hate this life I really do....I dont want to accept that Ashley is gone ,I want to see her go to college and get married, heck how do you feel joy for your other kids when you feel so much pain, I dread for them to get older and they reach all these milestones that Ashley didnt..It breaks my heart everyday, I hate this pain...I feel so empty and no one can ever fill that hole...I got on the scale yesterday Ive gained 15 lbs great I dont have much motivation now ...Kaitlyn went to the dr last week she gained more weight now she weighs more than her dad, 283lbs, but she wont do anything she wont go for help so I guess I sit and watch her kill herself I hope the dr scared her enough to do something but so far nothing has changed, Theresa has become so moody she is worried about her weight yet there isnt an once of fat on her, she exercises everyday. and Lauren well , she is becoming a brat I love her dearly but she can be so fresh, but on the other side she can be sweet sometimes, This tradegy not only has changed me and my husband but it has thrown my family into turmoil, everyone is thrown in a new role and we just arent getting it yet...who knows if we will or not..I wish this never happened why did it have to happen..today as I wasleaving for work there were 5 police cars that had pulled over speeders why couldnt they have been doing that before Ashley died.. and that was just on a stretch where her accident was, when I try to do the speed limit I get the finger and all kinds of nice gestures, I hate to say I wish it was their daughter that was killed because someone was in a hurry to get nowwhere..but I rally wouldnt want to wish this on anyone...but I wish they would see what they are doing and the risk they take and its always the innocent that die.......
Replies
I\'m so sorry you are feeling so low. I\'ve had a couple of those days myself. Many days like that actually but in between I get a reprieve just not as often as I\'d like. Yes it\'s one thing to happen to us but when the siblings are affected it\'s even harder to comprehend. I don\'t have any answers for you as I have 3 other sons too that I need to raise but fall short on the energy level as well. It\'s all I can do to take care of myself. I\'ve gained over 20#. The odd thing is before this, stress in my life made me lose weight. I should be only 15# by now (lol). I wish like you I could imagine my other kids passing milestones that my son that died won\'t be able to. However, I have the opposite thinking and live in fear that I\'ll lose another one and not get to see them reach milestones so I don\'t know which way is better to feel frankly. I\'m sure neither one is conducive right now. I imagine you have bitterness about her accident. My son died in a car accident too. The cause different but the pain is just as great. What I do know is that as much as we hate it, these unfortunate circumstances happen daily. We had so much snow yesterday. They reported 347 car accidents in our state. I don\'t know if there were fatalities or not but very possible. Our little \"gold fish\" in this big ocean just happened to be \"the ones\" that were taken. I hate that and it\'s hard to accept. I don\'t think I will accept it but I will try to acknowledge it and try to figure out my new life without my son. Together with all our friends here we will endure. I pray you and your family will find a way to be \"one\" again. Yes the void will be there but Ashley is still there in your hearts. Thinking of you. Love Robin
I know how you feel life isn\'t the same anymore it was 10 months yesterday since I\'ve heard or seen Justin.I have gained weight I don\'t do much for exercise.I have 2 daughters at home.Ashli is 18 and Rebecca is 11.I know I\'m not being a very good mom since Justin died.Our lives are all different now.I can\'t tell you the last time I cooked a good meal nothing seems to matter anymore.I love all my children but sometimes I feel like Justin was the light of my life I think it was because he was my first child and I had 7 years togather before I had Ashli.I\'m sorry I feel that way but Justin and I were so close.I wish I could have him back.The void in my heart keeps getting bigger and bigger.I think we all have pain but I just think nobody has the answers to feel normal again.Hope you have a peaceful day.Hugs,jfm24,Vicki
So many of us seem to be really struggling right now. Why? Who knows. I have gained almost 40 pounds since Weston died. I HAVE to do something about it, but don\'t seem to have the energy to tackle it. Hang in there with us. We\'re all hurting.
I lost my 17 year old son to a car accident also (speeding) He was not in a car however. He lived for only 45 min or so and we did not get to say goodbye and the pain he suffered was so great it just gives me mightmares. My youngest son is so lost without him it is hard. My middle son was with him, holding him when he was dying so we have to deal with that and then TEENAGE anger. (i have three boys, two living) I understand crazy house. My husband just got to a point of \"friends\" with my oldest one and now he is just lost. He wants to stay in \"control\" of the boys but does not want to fight like he did with the older one. My youngest one, Codie \"took over\" Brandon\'s room. I can not remove anything from Brandon\'s room. I just can not. I have a 4 bedroom house I do not HAVE to. It is his room. I know he is not coming back but I just can not and Codie is happy in there. Some of his friend came and got some of his tee shirts, music, photos, and his girl friend took \"their pillow, blanket and shirt\" but other than that his stuff in there.
I understand milestones, boy DO I. I just got done FIGHTING the school district to have Brandon (the one the died) graduate. I do not get to see him get married or have kids ect ect, but I be damned if I was going to lose this milestone to. He was an honor student and worked hard.He even got a full ride scholorship next fall for college. He will be the FIRST in our district to gradaute after death. It is an honorary degree but it still means I hear his name called out in MAY and see it in the pamphlet.
I hope your daughter does something about her weight. It is so scarey being that heavy. My thoughts are with you. Do what you can each day. It takes so much just to get out of bed and get them off to school, to make sure there is food in the cuboards, milk in the fidge and that you have the same colored socks on each day. Why the innocent have to leave us I will never understand. I breaks my heart, when there are drug users/dealers,killers and rapest out there that are living each and every day.
Be kind to yourself and take it slowly. Love what you have and enjoy the three wonderful children that are here with you. It is hard but you do not want to look back and think what you \"missed\" out on with them.