Well its been so long since I wrote anything, but basically its the same stuff, I go thru this life now just getting by, I have no true joy, yes I manage to let out a smile or 2 but its not a true genuine one. I dont think that will ever happen again, I dont cry as much but I feel like a sort of zombie that just pushes thru each day, I have been getting out but In my mind who cares I am not happy I constantly hurt and always am thinking of Ashley. I still ask why but dont know why I bother to ask , like Im going to get an answer..I hated the holidays so next yr we are leaving and going on a cruise and forgetting about them, they really make me miss what I cant have anymore..I think Im depressed but there isnt anything on this earth that can change that, yes I go on but Im not the same person, Im not the same mom, Im not the same wife, Im an empty shell of a person I used to be, my heart has a huge hole...I dont know what I believe anymore, religion ?? who knows it doesnt bring me any comfort sometimes it brings on the pain, why ? I feel like I was abandoned, no Ashley was abandoned,who knows I dont know anymore, asked Theresa If she would write down some memories of Ashley for me she sais she doesnt remember anything, yea Im in this already by myself with my husband, no one wants to talk about her or remember so it seems oh well ..I guess my life is just meant to be in total misery.........I am going to see Jeffrey Wands, I think everyone thinks Im crazy but I want to see for myself, is there something after?? who knows but yknow that doesnt help here at all....
Replies
RIGHT THERE WITH YOU KIM, I WALK AROUND THE SAME WAY. YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS, I THINK THATS WHAT DID ME IN. MY BODY IS REALLY LETTING ME KNOW THAT IT IS UNDER ATTACK. THE STRESS FROM LOSING SHANNON HAS TAKEN ITS TOLL. THIS NEW LIFE SUCKS AND I REALLY HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FEEL BETTER BUT NOTHING HELPS, I THINK ITS A LOSING BATTLE. I AM IN NO POSITION TO ENCOURAGE OTHER MOMS, I FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW YOUR NOT ALONE. MY HUSBAND WAS NOT SHANNONS FATHER SO THE SUPPORT FROM HIM IS GETTING LESS. I DECIDED YESTERDAY THAT FROM NOW ON WHEN MY FAMILY DOES BOTHER TO ASK, MY ANSWER WILL ALWAYS BE I\'M FINE. THATS WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR SO THATS WHAT THEY WILL GET. TAKE CARE, LOVE, DIANNE
I know exactly how you feel. Everyday I just go through the motions. I don\'t know who Jeffrey Wands but I hope he is a good medium. I went to a medium here and it does help. there are things he told me that there is no way he could know. Good luck. Forever Jake\'s mom, kathy
No one will think you\'re crazy for seeing Jeffrey. We all want a little peace no matter what form it may come in. I\'m sorry you are confused and depressed. I too have days like that. We are mothers that feel scattered like a thousand piece puzzle with that one piece missing. It\'s so hard but we need to remember that life requires more effort now on our part. We still have husbands, kids, and friends. We just have to learn that we can be happy again. Our kids wouldn\'t want us bitter and angry. Yes we love and miss them so much so we hurt. My neighbor gave me a tile at Christmas that read: \"Life is meant to be enjoyed not only endured\". I really try to focus on that in my darkest times. It doesn\'t always work but some days it does and I\'ll take whatever I get. Thinking of you. Love Robin
I could have written most of your entry today myself. In fact I did write a similar entry. I try to hold on to the hope that I will someday find peace with Weston\'s death. I don\'t see it happening any time soon though. I\'m here with you! Love and hugs, Cyn