Its been a while since Ive written, have been finding it hard to do much lately..just sit around either at work or at home, have my wine or kahlua at night and think...its Dec 27, made it thru the 2nd Xmas without my Ashley, did pretty well thru out the day ,after everyone went to bed I sat iin my bed and cried, looked at Ashleys pic next to my bed and just let it out..why ? why so much sorrow and pain in the world, I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy, although sometimes I wish the people that think they know all the anwers could feel the intense pain in my heart so they could understand ...I am or never will be the same person again...I go on for my other girls but there is a constant sorrow..I know there will never be the joy I once had...To all here I wish the most peaceful holiday and new yr I hope it may soften and not be too harsh...I wish none of us had to be here......Ashley,I went to your grave on Xmas morning , met a friend from my CF group,her son is there too, we walked and cried,never did I think thats where you would be ..not before me, how did this happen?Sad walking in a cemetary on Xmas.. I hate this I seem like someone played a sick joke and I just cant get away from it..I miss you so much..I have learned to put on my mask durng the day then it will hit me, and I get quesy and think OMG Ashley is gone...All my hopes and dreams are gone and vanished, I am so afraid to put myself out there with your sisters ,why ,they could be gone tomorrow, nothing is guaranteed in this world, I learned the hard way...I think of you every second ,I blame alot on myself for not telling you to go a different way, so stupid I was...I love you so much...
Replies
Kim,stop blaming yourself.We each have our destinies and thats that.Nothing is in our hands and who knows what tomorrow will bring?Hugs.
Kim, we will never know why our children have gone before us. But we can honor them by being the best moms to their siblings and friends who miss and love them. I do the same thing as you... I manage to make it through the days without to many tears then I am alone and I breakdown and cry uncontrollably... it\'s healthy for us to let out our grief. Please don\'t close your heart to your daughters they love you and need you to be the mom that Ashley was priviledged to have for so many years. If we close our hearts and arms to our loved ones they will never know the love that we have for them.
I know you are right,my head understands but my heart well thats another story..I want to be there for my girls and I do try but inside I am scared to death what if this happens again?how could I survive? I am trying to get \"involved again, but it is very hard, I am going to be Theresa\'s asst bball coach for her travel team I am scared to death.I havent played since college(1987!) I hope I can do this...
hugging u kim....i know and understand but u cant blame ur self...this road we are all walking down is a rough one...but we are never alone...we will forever be there picking each other up and trying to go forward again...our hearts will forever be broken but u have to be there also for ur other family...and not fear for things that may or may not happen...but i so do understand that also...but im walking with you hand in hand and praying for strength to keep walking forward...here for u always...love ya
iam so sorry , we were at aarons grave xmas morning ,the yr before that he was sitting on the couch smilieing at me , how can this be i keep asking me , grown men go to war not babies , i guess we all just have to keep holiding each other , many pearyers +Pat
It sucks to think we have to visit a cemetary on Christmas. No our lives will never be the same. I like you wish no one ever felt this pain, it\'s undescribable and so unfair. Just remember like you\'ve been told so many times, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are loved and needed and never walk this journey by yourself. Thinking of you. Love Robin
You said it all so well...ditto for me!