Thursday had a bad night I went to the store to print out the photos that the photographer sent me from last yrs competition I cried when they printed out, then got home and just couldnt stop crying,I wish this never happened! I still in the back of my mind think there has to be someway to make this go away, one wish something then I just get hit again all over again, she is never coming home I just hate this, I ask myself eveyday why and how did this happen right up the street from home I cant believe it! I dont want to believe it..its so hard sometimes I guess my mind just thinks OK she is just away on another trip she's coming home, but of course thats not reality,I dont know sometimes how I am to go on w/out her she was such a huge part of my life and her sisters' .there is such a huge void in my life I cant stand it ,I try to throw myself into other things I have been going to Theresa's basketball games and practices but if at least only for an hour I get my mind off of all this pain!I never imagined so much pain and agony ...
Replies
The pain is terible, it is 9 months today that I lost Michelle, and just when I think that time is starting to heal me, it hits me again.But i know I will have better days and I also know I will have crappy days, this is just the way our lives are going to be from now one, atleast mine. Take Care......Pam
The pain will come and go. The minutes will get longer that you feel ok. Then it will hours. Then it will be a whole day. Not that you don\'t think about her, but that the pain doesn\'t consume you. We each need to strive to make our children proud of us, each in our own way. One of the other members said to me, that if we try our best everyday, even if that means just getting out of bed and brushing my teeth, and that\'s my best then I\'ve made my child proud of me. Lots of hugs, Kathy
I remember standing in Wal-Mart with Kala\'s camera in my hand looking at the picture processing machine and just going numb. The assocaite came over and asked if I needed help. I said \"This is my daughter\'s camera, she died last week, I want to get these pictures developed\" she took the camera from me and began processing the pictures. One by one they came out and with each one I cried harder. But these pictures are so precious to me. I cried every time I looked at her pictures until recently. Now, there are times when I can laugh at her silliness or smile with the memory of the event.
I too kept thinking \"OK, any minute now and Kala will be home\" I would even think she\'s just gone away on another vacation. She was always going somewhere. But I have to accept that Kala is not on vacation, she isn\'t at school, she isn\'t at work, she isn\'t hanging out with friends. Her physical body did die yes, but Kala DID NOT die. The true and real Kala is her spirit and she lives on forever. She is with me every moment of every day.
Trust me sweetie, I KNOW how hard this is. It sucks. It\'s a nightmare. It\'s worse than any words could ever explain. But we honor our daughters by living, not just existing. Ashley wants you to be happy and you have to decide to be happy. I don\'t think we can afford to wait until we \"feel\" happy. I think we must \"choose\" to be happy. I\'m not saying it will be easy, and I certainly don\'t have all the answers. I\'m struggling through the muck too. But I have come to the conclusion that sitting in a dark room, refusing to live, is a disgrace to Kala. I want her to be proud of me and I promise her to do every thing in my power to live life to the fullest. I will honor her by smiling each and every day.
Hugs and love to you my dear friend!
Teri