haven't been doing well for a while now. i really wish i wouldn't wake up anymore. i want do die but don't have the courage to do it myself. i hear tragic news stories of random murders and shootings and finding myself wishing i was in one of the victim's place instead. they have more to live for than i do - many having children - i want to sacrifice myself to save them, and in return i would be saving myself from having to deal with this ongoing pain. i know good days come and i appreciate them when i do, but they really do not make up for the constant despair and confusion i feel most of the time. i want to die and give up.