My daughter
About a year ago we celebrated my daughter, D's college graduation. Then two weeks later my husband opened a letter from her college that said she didn't actually graduate. He called her and asked her what it was all about. She started to say something (he just told me last week, very vaguely, what she said - it was sort of a rambling, cutesy "about that, I was going to...". His description, "nonchalant rambling" ). He said something to her and hung up on her because he didn't want to say something he would regret. She wouldn't answer my calls or emails. She lives with her sister and I asked if her sister knew what was wrong. I asked if D had been attacked or molested, if she was abusing drugs or alcohol or if she was pregnant or anything. Up until her very last semester, D was ALWAYS on the dean's list.
About 3 weeks later, I went to where she works and met her outside. She was about as non-communicative as she could be. I asked her if she knew she hadn't completed the requirements or if it was a mistake. And if she knew, how could she just lie to us like that. She said she was suffering from acute depression and couldn't bring herself to write her final paper. I told her I understand depression but that lying to us, and then not talking to me was no way to handle that. Maybe we could have helped her and she could have gotten a waiver or an extension.
What she took away from that is that I attacked her and that I always attack her and call her a liar. I accused her of using drugs. She hates me. It's all my fault.
History and disclosure: She decided to take a bike ride around the country in the summer between junior and senior year (age 17). Her plan was to go alone, with no money, and couch surf at strangers' houses she found on the internet. But I found her itinerary the first day and dragged her home the first night - she was all set to couch surf in the isolated house of two 25 year old men. (I'm not the NSA but I'm not stupid, either. As a matter of fact, I pretty smart at figuring out things like that)
Senior year I thought she was okay. She was in activities at school, we went to them. She continued to get great grades - she's very well read and, in a lot of ways, very smart. She took cooking classes at the local community college at night. We taught her to drive. We bought a car for her to use. She worked at a nursing home where everybody loved her. Two weeks after graduation she moved out while we were at work. She didn't tell us where she was moving to, didn't want us to know. She spoke to us, only because she had to - to sort the car out. I put it in her name, she assured me she was earning enough to pay for the insurance. She took collision off the car and wrecked it a few months later. She couldn't pay rent (she said her roommate stiffed her). After about a year she came back home to live. Our condition was that she go to college - which she wanted to do.
She was very good in college. We loaned her money for a used car and she paid us back. She was a little aloof and not involved in the college scene too much. We got her a dorm room but she never stayed in it. For the last three years we rented an apartment for her. She went on 3 study abroad trips (language major) and a few other big trips. We bought her a brand new car for a trip to Arizona. She was always on the dean's list.
Junior summer, she told us she was going to visit a friend about 8 hours south of here. About 5 hours later she called up from NJ (north of here) and she had totaled the new car. It really was a miracle she wasn't injured. Of course we left work and went straight up to get her.
She's always worked hard to earn money but she always spends more money than she's got. The last semester of college I gave her the tuition money instead of paying her tuition directly. She spent it and I had to pay for that semester again.
Last Christmas I tried to get her to break the ice. I told her we'd love to see her, we missed her, and our Christmas would be sad without her. She answered that she's been sad for a year so too bad if we have a sad Christmas. She said I was never there for her when she needed me.
This daughter is beautiful, smart, witty and I've always thought the world of her. I excused and overlooked her faults as just immaturity.
I'm starting to understand that she's not coming back. I've cried; I don't want to see any friends or family; I'm sad and ashamed. I haven't told my family or friends. My other daughter, N, is crushed because our family will never have holidays together and I don't know what I can do for her. N's the peacekeeper. She wants to make everybody happy. None of it is her fault and she can't fix any of it. My husband and oldest daughter just ignore it mostly.
But here's another problem: My husband won't talk about it. We finally had a tiny conversation last week when I pushed him and he sort of told me what he said to her the last time. I told him I felt like a had a child die and don't have any support or opportunity to grieve. I actually begged him to talk about it with me. He gave me the bum's rush and went into his study. Then, about 3 days later he was telling me about a movie he was watching. It was about a hit woman who's daughter had been killed and the woman kept watching videos of the child repeatedly - like I used to do, he said with a big smile. He thought it was cute and funny and it reminded him of how happy I was when he got the old videos put on a CD and I watched them over and over for a few days. I was horrified. I am no longer the mother who can watch my child's video with joy, it only hurts. I can't believe he doesn't understand that at all.
About 3 weeks later, I went to where she works and met her outside. She was about as non-communicative as she could be. I asked her if she knew she hadn't completed the requirements or if it was a mistake. And if she knew, how could she just lie to us like that. She said she was suffering from acute depression and couldn't bring herself to write her final paper. I told her I understand depression but that lying to us, and then not talking to me was no way to handle that. Maybe we could have helped her and she could have gotten a waiver or an extension.
What she took away from that is that I attacked her and that I always attack her and call her a liar. I accused her of using drugs. She hates me. It's all my fault.
History and disclosure: She decided to take a bike ride around the country in the summer between junior and senior year (age 17). Her plan was to go alone, with no money, and couch surf at strangers' houses she found on the internet. But I found her itinerary the first day and dragged her home the first night - she was all set to couch surf in the isolated house of two 25 year old men. (I'm not the NSA but I'm not stupid, either. As a matter of fact, I pretty smart at figuring out things like that)
Senior year I thought she was okay. She was in activities at school, we went to them. She continued to get great grades - she's very well read and, in a lot of ways, very smart. She took cooking classes at the local community college at night. We taught her to drive. We bought a car for her to use. She worked at a nursing home where everybody loved her. Two weeks after graduation she moved out while we were at work. She didn't tell us where she was moving to, didn't want us to know. She spoke to us, only because she had to - to sort the car out. I put it in her name, she assured me she was earning enough to pay for the insurance. She took collision off the car and wrecked it a few months later. She couldn't pay rent (she said her roommate stiffed her). After about a year she came back home to live. Our condition was that she go to college - which she wanted to do.
She was very good in college. We loaned her money for a used car and she paid us back. She was a little aloof and not involved in the college scene too much. We got her a dorm room but she never stayed in it. For the last three years we rented an apartment for her. She went on 3 study abroad trips (language major) and a few other big trips. We bought her a brand new car for a trip to Arizona. She was always on the dean's list.
Junior summer, she told us she was going to visit a friend about 8 hours south of here. About 5 hours later she called up from NJ (north of here) and she had totaled the new car. It really was a miracle she wasn't injured. Of course we left work and went straight up to get her.
She's always worked hard to earn money but she always spends more money than she's got. The last semester of college I gave her the tuition money instead of paying her tuition directly. She spent it and I had to pay for that semester again.
Last Christmas I tried to get her to break the ice. I told her we'd love to see her, we missed her, and our Christmas would be sad without her. She answered that she's been sad for a year so too bad if we have a sad Christmas. She said I was never there for her when she needed me.
This daughter is beautiful, smart, witty and I've always thought the world of her. I excused and overlooked her faults as just immaturity.
I'm starting to understand that she's not coming back. I've cried; I don't want to see any friends or family; I'm sad and ashamed. I haven't told my family or friends. My other daughter, N, is crushed because our family will never have holidays together and I don't know what I can do for her. N's the peacekeeper. She wants to make everybody happy. None of it is her fault and she can't fix any of it. My husband and oldest daughter just ignore it mostly.
But here's another problem: My husband won't talk about it. We finally had a tiny conversation last week when I pushed him and he sort of told me what he said to her the last time. I told him I felt like a had a child die and don't have any support or opportunity to grieve. I actually begged him to talk about it with me. He gave me the bum's rush and went into his study. Then, about 3 days later he was telling me about a movie he was watching. It was about a hit woman who's daughter had been killed and the woman kept watching videos of the child repeatedly - like I used to do, he said with a big smile. He thought it was cute and funny and it reminded him of how happy I was when he got the old videos put on a CD and I watched them over and over for a few days. I was horrified. I am no longer the mother who can watch my child's video with joy, it only hurts. I can't believe he doesn't understand that at all.
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