Feeling terrible, been crying all afternoon.  Feeling so lonely.  All I want is to wake up a different person.  To have something to look forward to, a goal that is achievable.  I'm 29 in 2 weeks and I shouldn't be feeling this way, I should be excited at what the next day will bring not fearing it.  The last few days I've been thinking about last year and the big what if?  Should I have gone to Canada to meet the one person that made me feel alive or should I have let her follow the path she now has and get engaged to someone of her own faith that she's known for a very long time.  Deep down I know she'd never have been happy over here or with me, but its me thats missing out yet again. I always give up to easily, never getting what I want.   What is it that I want? If I don't know what I want then how am I going to get it.  All I know is that I don't want to be lonely anymore, even if its just a friend to go and have a drink with that will do me at the moment.