Today
I'm having one of those days where I can't stop thinking "I just want my baby back". I just want my son. I force myself to leave the nursery room door open (since everything but furniture's hidden in a closet anyway) and so often, when I walk by, my cat's just sitting on the floor in there staring at the toy box. I feel like she's just waiting for her little brother to come home... wondering why he hasn't yet... wondering where he's gone... Maybe I need to close that door to save my sanity.
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I\'m having one of those days to. I feel so empty and conflicted. I want Ava and Phoenix not this ring I have in memory of them. I just want my babies. I went to a grief group today for grief of all kinds. It was hard. The cliches you mentioned in the last journal came up. Those hurt so bad. It\'s like, people run out and intentionally kill innocent people every day, and do they actually think that\'s what GOD wants them to do?! I don\'t think so. Are they for real?! This world is just a bad place in general. Death is something that happens and it hurts when people bring \"why\" they feel this happened to us into it. I did everything I could, laid my LIFE on the line for my babies with severe hyperemesis, extreme asthma and dangerously low blood sugars, and even seizures. I also had serious placenta problems I was told could have killed me. I still lost them. We did everything we could. I feel like a failure. How can I have six miscarriages losing seven babies, there of those being late term miscarriages. I am sad right now. It\'s a hard day.
I am SO sorry, Hollywood, for all you\'ve gone through. You must be one of the strongest women in the world. Most days I don\'t feel so strong. There have been times I\'ve thought it would have been better for my son to have survived than me... or why couldn\'t I just have gone with him. I feel like a failure, too, but on my best days, I don\'t think I really am. I certainly don\'t think you are. Maintain your strength anyway you can and always remember (as I often find so difficult to do), you are not alone.