??????

I've been in such a weird space the last couple of weeks.  I'm really trying to be positive but it seems so difficult.  It's past Midnight ... so technically it's Sunday.  Only today and then it's back to work.  Work is getting to me.  It's increasingly stressful.  I got my direct deposit notification in the mail today and they screwed up my commission.  It should have been a LOT more than it was ... but they keep tinkering with the percentages and commission structure so there's almost no way to tell what's right and what's wrong anymore.  What I do know, for a FACT, is that I had a very good May (which I get paid for at the end of June) but my commission was only $249.  It's wrong but my company won't do anything about it.  They'll just run me in circles and then tell me it's my fault.  They're taking full advantage of the down economy ... working us harder and paying us less.  We (the account managers) don't really have anywhere else to go ... other companies are laying off ... not hiring.  My company knows that so they're screwing all of us to the wall.  Bastards.  Thing is, as soon as there's a light at the end of the tunnel my co-workers and I are going to quit.  People are already talking about it.  Screwing us out of our commissions is short-sighted on the company's side of things but they don't care ... right now they're making money on our backs ... so someone's getting rich ... it's just not me.   Aside from the financial issues, I'm having family problems too.  Well, I'm having problems with them ... they have no idea.  They use me and I take it.  I'm tired of it.   All day today I've wanted to run.  It's the STRONGEST urge ever.  I've given into this feeling far before now, in the past.  I want to go ... to get away.  To be free from this.  I'm so tired of it all and wish to be free.  If something doesn't change soon I'm going to get in the car and not stop until I'm so far away that no one will find me.  I want to start over ... where no one knows me ... I want to revent myself ... I don't want to be a sexual abuse victim/survivor ... I don't want to have parents who are so screwed up and who continue to impact my life.  I don't want any of it .... and I don't have to deal with it ... if I leave.  If I leave and never come back.  Empty my bank accounts and go.  Screw the credit rating ... crappy job ... health insurance ... therapy ... books, journals, spiritual side of things ... screw it all.  I don't want any of it.  I want to escape.  I want to be free. Tonight the memories from my past popped back into my head.  I don't know why and I was able to change my thoughts and not focus on it too long ... but it came up.  The thoughts, memories and feelings associated with my past were back.  It all makes me sick to my stomach.  I'm so tired .... TIRED ... of all of this.  I'm so tired.   I hate myself for circling back to this again.  Why am I thinking about it?  I can't write anymore.