So I did a really dumb thing...
I thought I was ready to unblock my ex on Facebook but I really, REALLY wasn't. One of her statuses was "I love my boyfriend!" I wanted to shit a brick. The gall of this girl KILLS me. It was perfectly fine to hide me the entire time we dated and tell me how much more she was in love with me than she ever was with him. And now that they're back he gets the fucking A list experience with her, while the whole time we were together I was shoved in the back of the closet like a broom or something.
I don't know why I just compared myself to a broom. I'm in turmoil, bear with me here.
I skyped with Michelle and I just realized I don't want to purge or cut to deal with this. This isn't the road I want to be going down for the rest of my life. I haven't done either in awhile and I don't want to now. I mean, I WANT to, but I'm not going to.
I don't know. I'm just waiting to grow up and I'm waiting to be able to look at a picture of her without wanting to harm her or him or myself, and I'm just really waiting for life to begin. Shit sucks right now and I want to get through it really bad. And I can't avoid the shit or let it consume me or else it'll never go away. But that doesn't make it any less shitty.
All I've managed to pull from this little vent session is that I'm a shit-covered broom.
I want to curl up in a hole.
I thought I was ready to unblock my ex on Facebook but I really, REALLY wasn't. One of her statuses was "I love my boyfriend!" I wanted to shit a brick. The gall of this girl KILLS me. It was perfectly fine to hide me the entire time we dated and tell me how much more she was in love with me than she ever was with him. And now that they're back he gets the fucking A list experience with her, while the whole time we were together I was shoved in the back of the closet like a broom or something.
I don't know why I just compared myself to a broom. I'm in turmoil, bear with me here.
I skyped with Michelle and I just realized I don't want to purge or cut to deal with this. This isn't the road I want to be going down for the rest of my life. I haven't done either in awhile and I don't want to now. I mean, I WANT to, but I'm not going to.
I don't know. I'm just waiting to grow up and I'm waiting to be able to look at a picture of her without wanting to harm her or him or myself, and I'm just really waiting for life to begin. Shit sucks right now and I want to get through it really bad. And I can't avoid the shit or let it consume me or else it'll never go away. But that doesn't make it any less shitty.
All I've managed to pull from this little vent session is that I'm a shit-covered broom.
I want to curl up in a hole.
Replies
Maybe your ex is just trying to make up her mind about what she really wants.
We all wishy washy at times. Be patient with her and yourself. We are all growing! And that\'s a good thing!
Did you not get the A list experience with her because of the sexuality angle of the relationship!!? Is SHE in the closet, when it comes to her own sexuality? If that\'s the case, it doesn\'t reflect badly on you at all. It was all about her and her own insecurities.
Why don\'t you block her again. Permanently, this time. Try to let it go.
I\'m glad you have Michelle to Skype to!!!!! It sounds like talking to her helped you to not want to give in to purging and/or cutting!!!
The day will come when someone will love you (and you them) and they will want to show you off, not hide you in a closet!!!! (((((Hugs)))))
Aw hun it wil get easier with time xo
It sounds like you handled this like someone really in recovery. I am proud of you.
wow! your dealing with it well by not purging or self-harming. Almost anything is better than that. And as hard as it is to be going through... you have to move on. Your ex has and you have to! you deserve someone who is a lot better. you are a beautiful person sis. dont let someone else determine how you feel
I am so glad to hear you are fighting the urges to purge or self-harm. That is huge!! Good job and I hope you see that you are beginning your life by recognizing and validating your feelings and I hope by doing that during the times you feel shitty it helps you through it quicker- Best to you and I\'m glad you have Michelle to help support you. safe (((hugs)))