Well I've been able to analyze as rationally as is possible for me, and I realized I have two major problems in my my life right nwo. They are the two toughest things to have happened to me up until this point so I'm having a ton of trouble dealing.
1. College/leaving high school. I have so much trouble with change. I cried hysterically upon entering middle school, and was bummed when I entered high school. I have no desire to leave my house or start a new life. It depresses me because I feel I'll stay this stuck forever. I'll never have the desire or strength to leave this house, make new friendships as strong as the old, build a life for myself.
2. Losing A. She was my first love, and literally EVERYTHING reminds me of her. I saw a little boy the other day who reminded me of how she looked when she was little (she had a buzz cut and wore boys clothes until she was 6 or 7...how is this girl denying she's a lesbian again?!) I almost cried. Im reminded of her when I look up at the stars, when I see certain picture that was taken during our relationship (even not of the two of us), whenever I see couples on TV. And I see straight couples everywhere and it scares me because what if I'll never be happy in a straight world? It's gonna be so hard to love in a society that doesn't accept it.
Dealing with both 1 and 2 at once is nearly killing me. One or the other would be enough to send me overboard but I'd get over it slowly and surely. I literally feel like I am drowning with both of them.
All I can say is that I am giving myself goals like "If it's not better by January, I'll just..." You can fill in the rest =\
P.S. My anniversary is coming up in October/early november and I'll be dying, constantly reminded of her. And if I ever did die she'd squint and barely remember me. Like "Oh, is that the chick I dated in junior year? She offed herself? That sucks." At one point she looked me in he eye and held me and told me if I ever did that she'd kill herself too. Now she wouldn't even blink. It kills (no pun intended) to know that.
I don't know where my life went but I want it back.
1. College/leaving high school. I have so much trouble with change. I cried hysterically upon entering middle school, and was bummed when I entered high school. I have no desire to leave my house or start a new life. It depresses me because I feel I'll stay this stuck forever. I'll never have the desire or strength to leave this house, make new friendships as strong as the old, build a life for myself.
2. Losing A. She was my first love, and literally EVERYTHING reminds me of her. I saw a little boy the other day who reminded me of how she looked when she was little (she had a buzz cut and wore boys clothes until she was 6 or 7...how is this girl denying she's a lesbian again?!) I almost cried. Im reminded of her when I look up at the stars, when I see certain picture that was taken during our relationship (even not of the two of us), whenever I see couples on TV. And I see straight couples everywhere and it scares me because what if I'll never be happy in a straight world? It's gonna be so hard to love in a society that doesn't accept it.
Dealing with both 1 and 2 at once is nearly killing me. One or the other would be enough to send me overboard but I'd get over it slowly and surely. I literally feel like I am drowning with both of them.
All I can say is that I am giving myself goals like "If it's not better by January, I'll just..." You can fill in the rest =\
P.S. My anniversary is coming up in October/early november and I'll be dying, constantly reminded of her. And if I ever did die she'd squint and barely remember me. Like "Oh, is that the chick I dated in junior year? She offed herself? That sucks." At one point she looked me in he eye and held me and told me if I ever did that she'd kill herself too. Now she wouldn't even blink. It kills (no pun intended) to know that.
I don't know where my life went but I want it back.
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