Well I've been able to analyze as rationally as is possible for me, and I realized I have two major problems in my my life right nwo. They are the two toughest things to have happened to me up until this point so I'm having a ton of trouble dealing.
1. College/leaving high school. I have so much trouble with change. I cried hysterically upon entering middle school, and was bummed when I entered high school. I have no desire to leave my house or start a new life. It depresses me because I feel I'll stay this stuck forever. I'll never have the desire or strength to leave this house, make new friendships as strong as the old, build a life for myself.
2. Losing A. She was my first love, and literally EVERYTHING reminds me of her. I saw a little boy the other day who reminded me of how she looked when she was little (she had a buzz cut and wore boys clothes until she was 6 or 7...how is this girl denying she's a lesbian again?!) I almost cried. Im reminded of her when I look up at the stars, when I see certain picture that was taken during our relationship (even not of the two of us), whenever I see couples on TV. And I see straight couples everywhere and it scares me because what if I'll never be happy in a straight world? It's gonna be so hard to love in a society that doesn't accept it.
Dealing with both 1 and 2 at once is nearly killing me. One or the other would be enough to send me overboard but I'd get over it slowly and surely. I literally feel like I am drowning with both of them.
All I can say is that I am giving myself goals like "If it's not better by January, I'll just..." You can fill in the rest =\
P.S. My anniversary is coming up in October/early november and I'll be dying, constantly reminded of her. And if I ever did die she'd squint and barely remember me. Like "Oh, is that the chick I dated in junior year? She offed herself? That sucks." At one point she looked me in he eye and held me and told me if I ever did that she'd kill herself too. Now she wouldn't even blink. It kills (no pun intended) to know that.
I don't know where my life went but I want it back.
1. College/leaving high school. I have so much trouble with change. I cried hysterically upon entering middle school, and was bummed when I entered high school. I have no desire to leave my house or start a new life. It depresses me because I feel I'll stay this stuck forever. I'll never have the desire or strength to leave this house, make new friendships as strong as the old, build a life for myself.
2. Losing A. She was my first love, and literally EVERYTHING reminds me of her. I saw a little boy the other day who reminded me of how she looked when she was little (she had a buzz cut and wore boys clothes until she was 6 or 7...how is this girl denying she's a lesbian again?!) I almost cried. Im reminded of her when I look up at the stars, when I see certain picture that was taken during our relationship (even not of the two of us), whenever I see couples on TV. And I see straight couples everywhere and it scares me because what if I'll never be happy in a straight world? It's gonna be so hard to love in a society that doesn't accept it.
Dealing with both 1 and 2 at once is nearly killing me. One or the other would be enough to send me overboard but I'd get over it slowly and surely. I literally feel like I am drowning with both of them.
All I can say is that I am giving myself goals like "If it's not better by January, I'll just..." You can fill in the rest =\
P.S. My anniversary is coming up in October/early november and I'll be dying, constantly reminded of her. And if I ever did die she'd squint and barely remember me. Like "Oh, is that the chick I dated in junior year? She offed herself? That sucks." At one point she looked me in he eye and held me and told me if I ever did that she'd kill herself too. Now she wouldn't even blink. It kills (no pun intended) to know that.
I don't know where my life went but I want it back.
Replies
I know how you feel withregards to missing your ex. I went through the same thing with my ex boyfriend. Everything reminded me of him and made me upset. I thought my life was over and Id never get over him. BUt eventually I did. They say you never get over your first love and I believe that, but you learn to accept it and over time it gets much easier. I can also relate to wanting to kill myself after we broke up and thinking he wouldnt even care. I know its extremely difficult to just make it through the day, but overtime you will think about her less and it will get easier. I remember being at a point where I was able to say \"wow last time I heard that song it made me cry bc it reminded me of him, but not it doesnt.\" I dont know why, time definitally heals. STAY STRONG!! message me if you need to.
Remember what I told you last time. High school may have been fun, but college will be an incredible experience like no other. Instead of feeling regret about high school, try to get excited about all the great things you will experience in college.
Also remember sexuality can be fluid. Ppl change in regard to this all the time. Like Anne Heache for instance.
Hey, remember me? Anyways Im back, and I may be able to talk to you about your situation some if you would like to add me again. Iv some experience there...
those seem like HUGE issues now, but believe me you will look back and realize you made it through. Life is always throwing us curve balls.. We cannot have everything last forever. Life has so many exciting things to offer and you can enjoy them if you let yourself.. Learn to accept change. get excited about the unknown. You are such a good person, dont stay in a routine where other people will never get the chance to meet you. You are going to get past your Ex.. it may seem like thats impossible, but its not. Its tough and I am not trying to take away what you feel.. just know that time really can heal all wounds. and ps. College is awesome. I have done so many new things and met so many new people..
and please, please talk to someone like your therapist about how suicidal your thoughts are. Makes me worried to hear you say things about killing yourself.