I just wanted to start off by saying your journal comments on my last entry made me tear up. I have never felt so cared about, everyone gave such good advice and I felt so supported. I am used to just throwing up in silence and going about my life, so it was really great to hear validation that I deserve support.
I guess I just am feeling like I have something to prove ED-wise now that my therapist wants me in treatment. Like if I eat something without throwing it up, I feel so guilty and like a failure. That is why I think I don't need IP, there are people who throw up every little thing they eat. But I'm trying to convince myself it's only my mind telling me I don't need help.
Today I mentioned to my friend that my therapist wanted me to go IP. Her reaction kind of triggered me without her meaning to. She said "you really don't seem that bad as you were before. Plus you look good." She has had eating issues too, but I don't think she would ever try to sabotage my health out of ED jealousy. She's not like that. She has told me before when I looked too thin, and so now I guess I look fine. I'm sorry I'm being such a big dumb baby about this. For every one person that tells me I look fine, there are four who say I don't. I am getting so many things from so many different directions.
Anyways, today I went blueberry picking at the farm. I ate lots of those, which was good. Blueberries are a calories each, and for some reason are one of my guilt free foods. So that was nice to enjoy those.
My brother got a grilled cheese sandwich and that's my favorite food. It was on whole wheat bread and they made it with VERY little butter, plus it had tomatoes which have lycopene. So he asked me to eat a half and I did. On the one hand I was proud, on the other hand I was like "SEE! You're FINE, you only not eat when you feel like it! Attention whore!" So we went out to ice cream after, and hy friend and brother got frozen yogurt, but I wouldn't because I of course felt like I needed to punish myself for eating normally, even though I hate myself for having eating issues in the first place. I got a Richie's Italian Cherry Ice, which was so good. It had a 100 calories a 1/2 cup though, and when I got it there were at least four times that. So I had a little over a 1/4 of it and called it a day. I have yet to eat dinner and I didn't have breakfast, I am being so stupid about all this.
As of now I have not texted my therapist to cancel the phone call, so that's good. I am praying I can make it to Monday. Thank you all again for your incredible support, I really would not be half of where I am without you all. xo
I guess I just am feeling like I have something to prove ED-wise now that my therapist wants me in treatment. Like if I eat something without throwing it up, I feel so guilty and like a failure. That is why I think I don't need IP, there are people who throw up every little thing they eat. But I'm trying to convince myself it's only my mind telling me I don't need help.
Today I mentioned to my friend that my therapist wanted me to go IP. Her reaction kind of triggered me without her meaning to. She said "you really don't seem that bad as you were before. Plus you look good." She has had eating issues too, but I don't think she would ever try to sabotage my health out of ED jealousy. She's not like that. She has told me before when I looked too thin, and so now I guess I look fine. I'm sorry I'm being such a big dumb baby about this. For every one person that tells me I look fine, there are four who say I don't. I am getting so many things from so many different directions.
Anyways, today I went blueberry picking at the farm. I ate lots of those, which was good. Blueberries are a calories each, and for some reason are one of my guilt free foods. So that was nice to enjoy those.
My brother got a grilled cheese sandwich and that's my favorite food. It was on whole wheat bread and they made it with VERY little butter, plus it had tomatoes which have lycopene. So he asked me to eat a half and I did. On the one hand I was proud, on the other hand I was like "SEE! You're FINE, you only not eat when you feel like it! Attention whore!" So we went out to ice cream after, and hy friend and brother got frozen yogurt, but I wouldn't because I of course felt like I needed to punish myself for eating normally, even though I hate myself for having eating issues in the first place. I got a Richie's Italian Cherry Ice, which was so good. It had a 100 calories a 1/2 cup though, and when I got it there were at least four times that. So I had a little over a 1/4 of it and called it a day. I have yet to eat dinner and I didn't have breakfast, I am being so stupid about all this.
As of now I have not texted my therapist to cancel the phone call, so that's good. I am praying I can make it to Monday. Thank you all again for your incredible support, I really would not be half of where I am without you all. xo
Replies
wow, i really relate to all of this...
congrats on eating the sandwich! it sounds very healthy and delicious :) the thing is (and i\'m guilty of this too) you don\' thave to prove to anyone that you have an eating disorder. you know you have a problem, and if you eat well it\'s a success, not some kind of way of invalidating the ED...if that makes any sense...anyway good luck getting the treatment you need. sorryfor rambling
I hope you can make it til Monday, too!!! Such a short length of time, yet it sounds so far away!!! But it\'s an important period of time.
On the one hand, I hardly think that the opinion of someone else with an eating disorder (or issues) counts for much, as to how you look. On the other hand, a person who doesn\'t have some sort of eating disorder does not go around \'collecting\' other people\'s opinions about whether or not they look too thin.
And another thing along that same vein is that some people who have eating disorders are overweight. In one way, it\'s the weight that\'s the issue, in another way, it is NOT the issue. It\'s a result of the issue. The issue is how you feel about yourself. And after that, it\'s the behaviors that those thoughts cause you to exhibit. But the behaviors and results are important because it is they that are causing you physical damage and that threaten your very existence.
You COULD wait until you are worse before you do something as drastic as go inpatient. But the truth of it is, that the sooner you go in and/or get more intensive treatment, the better your chances of beating this disorder and the easier it will be to do so. The point will come, if you wait, when it will no longer be an option. Why risk reaching that place when you will be beyond help.
I think you have such a good mindset right now, for someone who has an eating disorder. You listen to others and you try to see for yourself if what they are saying is true. And you consider the possibility, even when you have trouble seeing it for yourself. You know in your head that the illness can lie to you, even if you can\'t feel it in your body. You are still well within the realm of being helped.
I so hope you take advantage of any and all help that is out there. This is a hard battle for anyone to wage, much less someone your age who doesn\'t quite have the family support that one would like. But hang in there!!!
Allowing the therapist to speak frankly to your mother may result in you receiving more of the kind of support that you need and desire. And it may also lead to you getting the help that will enable you to think of other things in life, besides how much you\'re eating and how you look and questioning your own self-worth!!! Things can be so much better!!! Really!!! (((((Hugs)))))
Strange is it not that ppl don\'t want to believe you have a problem? Or perhaps they are just not good at facing up to things either in themselves or others? I hope there is a way to get you the help you need. But I know getting into IP is not all that simple. I mean if you can\'t afford it or your ins won\'t pay,what are you going to do?
Maybe that\'s one of the reasons why your mom is being discouraging about it?
I\'m also a bit puzzled about why you cancelled the call. Maybe you are afraid it would not do any good or somehow get you in trouble with your mom?
Anyway I hope you find some answers soon. Have you asked your therapist if there are any other programs available besides IP which I have heard only God can afford?
You have so much insight . However, I think it is like me (I may be wrong) - cognitively I know all the stuff, what\'s going on and what it really means and when behaviours are good/bad, what helps, doesn\'t help, etc but it is difficult to get this to reach the emotional level. Therefore our emotions - which ED love - take over, even when we know different cognitively. Hope that makes some sense.
Just a thought and this may well seem/be impossible, but one time that you eat something good and don\'t purge, you say to yourself \"I did well, I kicked ED\'s butt\" - if you repeat it another time, eventually you may feel better about eating and not purging. But I know that this may be impossible. I know I can\'t do many things I \"should\" or that would help, because ED is too strong. But stay strong and know that you can beat this! Take care. xxx
i was in the same situation as you I did IOP (intensive outpatient program) thru renfrew they are all over the country.(USA) It really helped me a lot!!!!! they are nothing but supportive and sweet! best of luck!
p.s. my insurance would only cover outpatient programs so yeah!