I just wanted to start off by saying your journal comments on my last entry made me tear up. I have never felt so cared about, everyone gave such good advice and I felt so supported. I am used to just throwing up in silence and going about my life, so it was really great to hear validation that I deserve support.
I guess I just am feeling like I have something to prove ED-wise now that my therapist wants me in treatment. Like if I eat something without throwing it up, I feel so guilty and like a failure. That is why I think I don't need IP, there are people who throw up every little thing they eat. But I'm trying to convince myself it's only my mind telling me I don't need help.
Today I mentioned to my friend that my therapist wanted me to go IP. Her reaction kind of triggered me without her meaning to. She said "you really don't seem that bad as you were before. Plus you look good." She has had eating issues too, but I don't think she would ever try to sabotage my health out of ED jealousy. She's not like that. She has told me before when I looked too thin, and so now I guess I look fine. I'm sorry I'm being such a big dumb baby about this. For every one person that tells me I look fine, there are four who say I don't. I am getting so many things from so many different directions.
Anyways, today I went blueberry picking at the farm. I ate lots of those, which was good. Blueberries are a calories each, and for some reason are one of my guilt free foods. So that was nice to enjoy those.
My brother got a grilled cheese sandwich and that's my favorite food. It was on whole wheat bread and they made it with VERY little butter, plus it had tomatoes which have lycopene. So he asked me to eat a half and I did. On the one hand I was proud, on the other hand I was like "SEE! You're FINE, you only not eat when you feel like it! Attention whore!" So we went out to ice cream after, and hy friend and brother got frozen yogurt, but I wouldn't because I of course felt like I needed to punish myself for eating normally, even though I hate myself for having eating issues in the first place. I got a Richie's Italian Cherry Ice, which was so good. It had a 100 calories a 1/2 cup though, and when I got it there were at least four times that. So I had a little over a 1/4 of it and called it a day. I have yet to eat dinner and I didn't have breakfast, I am being so stupid about all this.
As of now I have not texted my therapist to cancel the phone call, so that's good. I am praying I can make it to Monday. Thank you all again for your incredible support, I really would not be half of where I am without you all. xo
I guess I just am feeling like I have something to prove ED-wise now that my therapist wants me in treatment. Like if I eat something without throwing it up, I feel so guilty and like a failure. That is why I think I don't need IP, there are people who throw up every little thing they eat. But I'm trying to convince myself it's only my mind telling me I don't need help.
Today I mentioned to my friend that my therapist wanted me to go IP. Her reaction kind of triggered me without her meaning to. She said "you really don't seem that bad as you were before. Plus you look good." She has had eating issues too, but I don't think she would ever try to sabotage my health out of ED jealousy. She's not like that. She has told me before when I looked too thin, and so now I guess I look fine. I'm sorry I'm being such a big dumb baby about this. For every one person that tells me I look fine, there are four who say I don't. I am getting so many things from so many different directions.
Anyways, today I went blueberry picking at the farm. I ate lots of those, which was good. Blueberries are a calories each, and for some reason are one of my guilt free foods. So that was nice to enjoy those.
My brother got a grilled cheese sandwich and that's my favorite food. It was on whole wheat bread and they made it with VERY little butter, plus it had tomatoes which have lycopene. So he asked me to eat a half and I did. On the one hand I was proud, on the other hand I was like "SEE! You're FINE, you only not eat when you feel like it! Attention whore!" So we went out to ice cream after, and hy friend and brother got frozen yogurt, but I wouldn't because I of course felt like I needed to punish myself for eating normally, even though I hate myself for having eating issues in the first place. I got a Richie's Italian Cherry Ice, which was so good. It had a 100 calories a 1/2 cup though, and when I got it there were at least four times that. So I had a little over a 1/4 of it and called it a day. I have yet to eat dinner and I didn't have breakfast, I am being so stupid about all this.
As of now I have not texted my therapist to cancel the phone call, so that's good. I am praying I can make it to Monday. Thank you all again for your incredible support, I really would not be half of where I am without you all. xo
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