Well I found out why I have been consuming the whole earth...I hadn't gotten a refill on one of my meds, and one of the side effects is decreased appetite. So to go cold turkey on it was wreaking havoc on my appetite. Combined with the fact that I'd been restricting, it was free for all chaos in my head and on my plate. For a little less than a week I've been eating way too much, like 2000 a day and throwing everything up. It's been exhausting and I feel so out of control and fat. But I'm getting the meds back tomorrow so it should be a bit better. 
I am trying really hard to stay in the moment. It's hard. I cannot summon that last bit of whatever it is I need to get over A. She hasn't written back yet and you know what, I doubt she ever will. That would be typical of everything that's ever happened. There is nothing I can do if she isn't ready, I know, but I'm so stuck.
I am really on edge and cranky. My father decided to let me know right now that I have a voice lesson tomorrow at ten, which means I have to get up at like 9 in the morning. I don't fall the fuck asleep until like 4. I'm really annoyed he would make it that early. He pisses me off when he does stuff like that without consulting me or thinking of me. 
I guess that's it. Still shitty, but so grateful for you guys. When I am feeling down I re-read your comments and feel a little better. I love you all so much <3 xo