Oh no

Well. The feelings are back. I feel completely hopeless and anxious and I just want to roll over and die.
It was so much easier when I was restricting. The trade-off was that I couldn't feel extreme joy either, but at least this terrible sadness was dulled. It's unbearable, really.
I feel like I will never want to move away, always be anxious and sad and scared. I won't ever be able to find a place doing something useful and I will never find somebody I feel that spark with. I feel that spark so rarely, which is why I'm willing to be treated like shit when I find it.
It's days like these that remind me life is never going to be the way I thought it was, and that most of the things I believed in are total and utter shit.